Best Jokes

[OCBucksFan]

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:

• * 40-ish………………………….49.
• * Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone.
• * Athletic………………………..No breasts.
• * Average looking………………….Moooo.
• * Beautiful……………………….Pathological liar.
• * Emotionally Secure……………….On medication.
• * Feminist………………………..Fat.
• * Free Spirit……………………..Junkie.
• * Friendship first…………………Former Slut.
• * New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
• * Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s
• * Open-minded……………………..Desperate.
• * Outgoing………………………..Loud and embarrassing.
• * Professional…………………….Witch.
• * Voluptuous………………………Very fat.
• * Large frame……………………..Hugely fat.
• * Wants soul mate………………….Stalker.

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:

• * Yes…………………………….No
• * No……………………………..Yes
• * Maybe…………………………..No
• * We need…………………………I want
• * I am sorry………………………You’ll be sorry
• * We need to talk………………….You’re in trouble
• * Sure, go ahead…………………..You better not
• * Do what you want…………………You will pay for this later
• * I am not upset…………………..Of course, I am upset, you moron!
• * You’re attentive tonight………….Is sex all you ever think about?

TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:

• * I am hungry……………………..I am hungry
• * I am sleepy……………………..I am sleepy
• * I am tired………………………I am tired
• * Nice dress………………………Nice cleavage!
• * I love you………………………Let’s have sex now
• * I am bored………………………Do you want to have sex?
• * May I have this dance?……………I’d like to have sex with you.
• * Can I call you sometime?………….I’d like to have sex with you.
• * Do you want to go to a movie?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
• * Can I take you out to dinner?……..I’d like to have sex with you.
• * I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit…………..I’m gay.

 

[BB73]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he iswallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun downhere. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that'sall we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, andFresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you'redead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finestcigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you getcancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.[FONT=Comic Sans
MS][/FONT]Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt,it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Smoke a doobie the size of a[FONT=Comic Sans
MS]submarine. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan : "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh . . . Fridays are gonna be tough ! "
[/FONT]

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best "wishes", chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THEM WORKED!

For 2008, could you please just send money, chocolate, Buckeye tickets or gasoline vouchers.

Thank you!

 

[ORD_Buckeye]

Q: What's the hardest thing about ending a relationship?
A: Cleaning out the trunk after that long drive back from the lake.
or
A: Finding a hardware store that will sell you a shovel, an icepick and a 40 pound bag of lime.


Q: What's the hardest thing about having sex with an eight year old?
A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume.

Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Two shows nightly.

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you walking around like this?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff ... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...And here I am." Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist.

 

[OCBuckWife]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

 

[Mike80]

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU


Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the bee p.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

 

[Best Buckeye]

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Jane
Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Lucy
Dear GOD,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita
Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane
Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil
Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.
Jane
Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce
Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.
Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
Raphael
Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam
Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love,
Chris
Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely,
Donna

 

[IronBuckI]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[IronBuckI]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

 

[BUCKYLE]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men.



He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the

ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still

clasping his hands together at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently

took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and

put her hands inside.



She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and

asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

 

[FCollinsBuckeye]

Anyone know a good golf joke?

 

[IronBuckI]

Anyone know a good golf joke?

Just these two, but they have to be told one right after the other.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.



The ball hit one of the men.



He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the

ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.



The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still

clasping his hands together at his groin.



At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently

took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and

put her hands inside.



She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and

asked, 'How does that feel'?



He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She then administered a very tender and artful massage for several minutes and then asked, 'How does that
feel?'

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

 

[BUCKYLE]

Anyone know a good golf joke?

Just these two, but they have to be told one right after the other.

Eh, fuck yous guys. My BP is set on 50 posts per page and it wasn't on this page. What the fuck ever. :p

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, It looks like you have seen a lot of action.

Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

1955, ma'am.

Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to relax him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955 !

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, I hope not, it's only 2130 now.