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Best Jokes

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At a recent concert in Glasgow, Scotland, the lead singer of the band U2, Bono, asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds.

While having everyone's complete attention, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!"
 
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Boudreaux's rowing his pirogue down the bayou when he notices Thibodeaux on the bank lighting a cigarette w/ the biggest lighter that he's ever seen.

Well this gets Boudreaux curious, so he paddles over and asks Thibodeaux "Where you get dat big lighter sha?"

Thibodeaux says "Got it from an old genie in da back of the bayou, you want to go see her?"

Naturally,Boudreaux says yes and they paddle to the back of the bayou to where Thibodeaux found the genie. Boudreaux rubs the bottle and the genie comes out once again.

She says "As you can see, I'm an old genie, and I don't have time for 3 wishes like the younger ones, but I will give you 1 wish, so make it good."

Boudreaux thinks about it for awhile, and finally decides. "I been thinking about it, and I figure I want me a million bucks........yeah, a million bucks, dats what I want."

The genie agrees and Beaudreaux & Thibodeaux start paddling back. On their way back they start to notice a few ducks start flying in. The farther they paddle, the more ducks they see. By the time they get back, ducks are everywhere.

Boudreaux looks over at Thibodeaux and says "Sha, I think your genie got a hearing problem. I said I wanted me a million bucks, not ducks."

Thibodeaux looks back at Boudreaux and says " Yeah, I know dat, you think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?"
 
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An Ann Arbor area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its ass. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan Wolverine fight song come out the guys butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the ass of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please, you do it." The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Michigan fight song started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."
 
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I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older

and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.
 
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Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending
the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for
the Best toast of the night'.

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in
church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the
prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four
years.... Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come.'
 
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?'
he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.


'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.


But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
 
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A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
 
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Truck for sale !!! A fifteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck???!!!"He calmly told them,
"I bought it today.""With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost."Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."


So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know hername-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a Business Trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."
(Are women good or what?
 
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A guy walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands that she opens the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!"... So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
 
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A penguin is driving across Arizona when his car breaks down...

He calls a tow truck to have it moved to the nearest town.

He talks to the mechanic... the guy tells him to come back in an hour and

he will let him know what's up...

The penguin looks across the street and see's a Baskin Robbins...

"Hmm... that is a nice cool spot to hang out..."

An hour later, he waddles back across the street... The mechanic

slides out from under the car... looks up and says... "Looks like you blew

a seal."

"Oh no", said the penguin... "That's just ice cream".
 
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A Jewish gentleman went to see his rabbi about a problem.
"Rabbi", he said "My son converted to Christianity, what should I do?!?"

"I'll pray and talk to God about this tonight, and see what He says", said the rabbi.

The next day, the guy goes back to the rabbi and asks "So, what did God tell you?"

"He said that He couldn't help you, He has the same problem w/ His kid!" replied the rabbi.
 
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WORDS TO LIVE BY:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much
leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or
leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their
shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night
 
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