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Best Jokes

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Confession

Three very cute young catholic women were waiting in a church to go to confession. The first girl goes in and tells her sins to the priest; Bless me father for I have sinned, she then told the priest all of her sins and then paused and said, for my last and worst sin, I was on a date and I let a man touch me on all of my sex organs. The priest hmmd. and hawed around and said, go out and say 5 Hail Mary's and then sprinkle holy water on the areas he touched.

The first girl come out and the second girl goes in and tells her sins to the priest; Bless me father for I have sinned, she then told the priest all of her sins and then paused and said, for my last and worst sin, I was on a date and I got involved and touched a mans sex organs. The priest hmmd. and hawed around and said go out and say 5 Hail Mary's and then sprinkle holy water on the areas where you touched the man.

The second girl comes out and the third girl goes in to the priest; Bless me father for I have sinned, she then told the priest all of her sins. She then departs the confessional and goes out to the Holy Water bowl. The first girl is sprinkling water all over her self; the second girl is dipping her hands in the holy water bowl; the third girl walks up and says, move over girls I gotta gargle.:!
 
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married
to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy
over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am,I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
in to the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own damn blanket!'
After a moment of silence . . . he farted.
 
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Beware of Gay Nudists

[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, 'Beware of Gays.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, [/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, Arial]'Sorry, you've had two warnings!'[/FONT]
 
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Q. Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee and nine doughnuts at the same time.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A. The one who can eat the last doughnut.
 
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This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked.


"I've been transferred to New Orleans, and there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
 
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A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
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A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"
 
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BUCKYLE;1078268; said:
A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint.

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
"Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala
where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry"
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far
over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked
into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was
sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
"Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said,

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....
How much water did you drink?!!"
Click to expand...

Fantastic! One I hadn't heard before! Rep to you when it lets me rep you! :biggrin:
 
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Why women should avoid girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckooclock."



When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
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BUCKYLE;1080432; said:
Why women should avoid girls night out after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed! 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos. MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckooclock."



When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
Click to expand...

So should we avoid girl's night out because we end up coming in late, or because girl's night out makes us fart? :biggrin:
 
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Paddy replies 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around
on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'What
the....' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on
his face again. 'Damn!' he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks
that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be
fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls
flat on his face.

'Bi'J esus... I'm soused,' he says. He can see his house just a few
doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street
and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says, 'No flappin' way.'
But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks,
'I think I can make it to the bed.' He takes a step into the room
and falls flat on his face again.
He says, 'This is hell. I gotta stop drinking,' but manages to crawl
to the bed and fall in. The next morning, his wife comes into the room
carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you
have a bit to drink last night?' Paddy says, 'I did Jess. I was
totally pissfaced. But how'd you know?' 'Mick called.. You left
your wheelchair at the pub.'
 
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