• New here? Register here now for access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Plus, stay connected and follow BP on Instagram @buckeyeplanet and Facebook.

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. "

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand , and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted."
 
Upvote 0
The Semen Sample

[SIZE=-1]An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The doctor asked what happened.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"Well, doc, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"She tried a rubber device she ordered from some internet web site but it broke.
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?!"
[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open!"
[/SIZE]
 
Upvote 0
Teen age sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 
Upvote 0
At a house party, a guest walked up to the host and asked, "Do you happen to have green toilet paper that says 'Fuck you!'?"

The host looked at him like he was crazy and said, "Uh, no I don't".

The guest pondered for a moment, and then said, "Well, I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot..."
 
Upvote 0
FCollinsBuckeye;1093369; said:
Anyone know a good golf joke?
Click to expand...

Why is it called "golf"? Because "Fuck"! was already taken.


The Archbishop and a Baptist preacher were out golfing, when on the 16th hole the Archbishop missed a 3 foot put and yelled "Fuckin' shit, I missed!"
"Archbishop, the Lord will smite you for using that language!", said the preacher.
"Yeah, whatever", replied the Archibshop, who proceeded to miss a two foot put on the 18th hole and said the same thing as on the 16th.
"Your Holiness, do not spite the Lord w/ that language!" said the preacher.
"Whatever," replied the Archbishop, who proceeded to whiff another easy putt on the 18th, where he screamed "Fuckin' shit, I missed again!!!"
The sky grew dark and huge bolt of lightning flew out of the sky and hit the preacher right through the forehead, killing him instantly. There was silence for a second, then a voice boomed out of the clouds "Fuckin' shit, I missed!!!"
 
Upvote 0
Top Ten Thoughts For 2008

Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying Of nothing.

Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax Cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2. In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world Is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008: 'Life is like a jar of jalape?os. What you do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow'.

boortz.com: More Boortz Top Ten Thoughts For 2008
 
Upvote 0
Golf

A recent study found the average American golfer, walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud.
 
Upvote 0
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He replied, 'That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly!
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No, she said, 'I was a hooker in Memphis and I worked both sides of the Mississippi River.'
 
Upvote 0
BABY BOOMER BLUES

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman 's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba --- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It 's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

And my favorite:

Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again.
 
Upvote 0
7 Kinds of Sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT PM TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own.
:p
 
Upvote 0
Gators

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger ' n me.
We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids.
I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big 'gator, 'What you been eatin', boy?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small 'gator.
'Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?'
'Down ' other side of the swamp
near the parkin' lot by the capitol.'
'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?'
'Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus
and wait fer one to open the car door.
Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg,
shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big alligator,
'I think I see your problem.
You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.'
'See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician,
there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!
 
Upvote 0
Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died
a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected
that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both
still be alive.
 
Upvote 0
Lady shopping at a supermarket

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
out, a drunk standing behind me, six-pack in hand, watched
as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked
at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top