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Best Jokes

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Doctor's Visit

A woman and a baby were in
the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come
in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined
the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if
the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the
doctor ordered.

The woman did and the doctor pinched
her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and
rubbed both breasts for a while in a
very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor
said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' the woman said, 'I'm his Grandma,
but I am sure glad I came.'
 
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Photo on the Night Stand

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man,on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues."No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."
 
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Officer, this is how the fight started...

I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life
seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, "Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?"

. . . . and that's when the fight started...



grin.gif
 
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SanAntonioBuck;1101092; said:
Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT PM TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.
I have enough problems of my own.
:p
Click to expand...

You forgot to mention Rodeo Sex.

That's where you're doing your wife from behind, and you say, "Oh yeah. This is just how my secretary likes it!"
Then you see if you can stay on for 8 seconds.
 
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The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Michigan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
 
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The Urologist

Harry went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "I want you to promise me you won't laugh!"

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Harry said, and proceeded to drop his trousers and under wear, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a triple A battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again....... Now, what seems to be the problem that you came to see me about?"

"It's swollen," Harry replied.
 
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Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.'

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, I could throw ten $100 bills out
of the window and make ten people very happy.'

John added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of
the window and make a hundred people very happy.'

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,
'Such big-shots back there'. I could throw all of them out of the window and
make 156 million people very happy.'
 
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

 The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

 The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! .. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

 "So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

 The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

 "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

 "I have," says the man.

 "And has she helped you in making the decision?"

 "She has," says the man.

 "And what is it?" asks the doctor.

 "We're getting a new kitchen."
 
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Blonde Joke

Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots of tequila. He looks at them and says, "OK," and pours their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied.
They look back to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell, "51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering what they are talking about and asks them what they mean by 51 days.
One of the blondes looks at him and says, "Well," looking very smug, "we just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It took us only 51 days. And on the box it said 2-4 years!"

 
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You Might Be A Nurse If

** You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear
that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on
your day off.
** It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one
hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient
with the other hand.
** You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring
and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
** You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.
** You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.
** You believe every waiting room should have a Valium
salt lick.
** You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
** You have ever had a patient control his seizures
when offered food.
** You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
 
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Boudreaux interviews for new job:

Boudreaux had an interview for a new job and was really hoping to land it since he was out of work for a year. So, while in the interview, Mr. Dawson (the manager) notified Bou that it was between he and Mr. Smith (who was way more qualified than Bou).

This is how it went:
Mr. Dawson: Gentlemen, you will need to answer this "ten question" form. Whoever gets the most answers right will get the job.

So both candidates took their test and both scored 9/10. They then returned to Mr. Dawson's office to complete their interview and find out who was to receive the job.

Mr. Dawson: Gentlemen, I have elected to hire Mr. Smith

Bou: Why you hiring him instead of me? What did he score?

Mr. Dawson: Ya'll both managed to score the same thing 9/10.

Bou: Then, why him and not me?

Mr. Dawson: Because, Boudreaux, on question #10, Mr. Smith answered "I don't know" and, on the same question, you put "Me neither".
 
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Q. Where can a 50-year-old woman find young sexy men who will be interested in her?
A. Try a bookstore - under fiction!

Q.What should a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A. Stay busy. Try finishing the basement. When you're done, you'll have a place to live.

Q.How can you increase your 50-year-old husband's heart rate?
A. Tell him you're pregnant!

Q. How can I avoid seeing wrinkles when I pass a mirror?
A. Take off your glasses!

Q. Why should 50-year-olds use valet parking?
A. Valets remember where they park your car!

Q. Do most 50-year-olds have problems with short term memory storage?
A. Memory storage is no problem; the problem is memory retrieval!

Q. Do 50-year-olds sleep more soundly?
A. Yes; usually in the afternoon.

Q. What is the most common remark made by a 50-year-olds in an antique store?
A. "I remember these!"
 
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