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Best Jokes

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funny stuff.
To the Clinton Admirers

Almost seven years ago I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism as I watched George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched the Clintons board Air Force One for the last time.

I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the outgoing President and first lady. It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under the Clinton administration.

Every last one of them missed.
 
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St. Patrick

In honor of this day, some Irish humor:


At The Cemetary
Three Irishmen -- Paddy, Sean and Seamus -- were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy. "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


And:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" asks Farther O'Grady.

"Oh, Father," she says, "I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

"Oh, Mary, that's terrible," says Father O'Grady. "Tell me, did he have any last requests?"

"That he did, Father ... " says Mary.

"What did he ask, Mary?" inquires Father O'Grady.

"He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!' "

Bet you thought this was gonna be about Notre Dame, didn't ya?
 
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TAX REBATE

Recently, the Administration said each one of us would get $300. It was supposed to be $800 but they dropped it to a $300 tax rebate...There are other amounts depending on individual circumstances.....HOWEVER

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, and neither will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way I can see to keep that money here at home is to buy beer, spend it on prostitution, or play golf since those are the only businesses still in the U.S. !!

Your cooperation will be appreciated......
 
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Dumb Blonde

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing"?

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you?re going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can?t work in the dark?"
 
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Women

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ?If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.?

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, ?Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!?

The woman said, ?That?s okay.?

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, ?You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to?.

The woman replied, ?That?s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.?

So, KAZAM - she?s the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, ?That will make your husband the richest man in the world.

And he will be ten times richer than you.?

The woman said, ?That?s okay, because what?s mine is his and what?s his is mine.?

So, KAZAM - she?s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, ?I?d like a mild heart attack.?

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don?t mess with them.

Attention:
Female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please continue reading.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they?re really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen? now run along and put the kettle on, there?s a sweetie.
 
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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in a Florida retirement community when a man sat down on the other end of her bench.

After a few moments, she asked, "Are you new here?"

"I lived here years ago," he replied."

So where have you been since?" asked the woman.

"Prison," the man replied.

"Oh! Why were you in prison?"

He quietly replied, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."
 
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At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."
 
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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport. The pilot, James, says on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

Jim forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his following conversation from the cockpit.

The copilot Spuds can be heard saying to Jim, "So, Steady, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"

"Well", says Steady, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner....I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says, "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first."
 
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IronBuckI;1131000; said:
A man that is wearing no clothes, but is wrapped from head to toe in saran wrap, shuffles into a psychiatrists office. The psyciatrist says, "Sit down sir. I can clearly see you're nuts."
Click to expand...

FIFY.....but I don't get the joke.









:biggrin:
 
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so bad
<
Subject: FW: Hillary's Limo



Subject:Hillary's Limo
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
"What happened to you," asked Hillary?
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it.”
 
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Something funny from a southern friend

Rich Rodriguez was on the sidelines in Ann Arbor. It was 4th and 1 and Michigan was losing to Ohio State 21-17 with 2 seconds left on the clock. RR looks up to the heavens and starts to pray...Dear Lord I know that I havent been the best christian but I promise Just tell me what play to run and I will go to church every sunday and I promise..No more cheerleaders and I will go home and write a check for 4 million to the great people of west virginia. too his shock the clouds part and the booming voice of god says....Richard Rodruiguez, you have been a bad man...you are full of greed and anger, but I am a forgiving god. I will grant you this wish, I will Draw up the perfect play.

5 seconds later God says Coach....Run an option play to the strong side, fake the pitch and have your QB run in between the blockers for the score. RR sends the play in....The Center Hikes the ball, the QB takes off running to his right side and he is crushed buy a linbacker from Ohio State. The QB fumbles the ball and the Buckeyes run the ball back for 99 yards and win the game 27-17. RR says, Lord Why did you have me run that play? I thought we had a deal. God says.....I am not sure...God turns to his right and says....Woody why did we run that play?
 
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