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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Prison Escape
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
The top 10 were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me."
"The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
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Kent State library program to move
New home for master's studies at state institution in Columbus brings enhanced opportunities
By Carol Biliczky
Beacon Journal staff writer
Published on Sunday, Mar 09, 2008
Ohio.com - Kent State library program to move
This will be a toughie... they believe it will take almost an entire day to move all 11 books in Kent's library to the state institution
(I thought Lucasville was closed?) .. BuckBackHome will be so upset... He used one of those books once
New home for master's studies at state institution in Columbus brings enhanced opportunities
By Carol Biliczky
Beacon Journal staff writer
Published on Sunday, Mar 09, 2008
Ohio.com - Kent State library program to move
This will be a toughie... they believe it will take almost an entire day to move all 11 books in Kent's library to the state institution
(I thought Lucasville was closed?) .. BuckBackHome will be so upset... He used one of those books once
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SanAntonioBuck
RIP Our Friend and Hero
A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life. So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered just below your left breast.
So the widow went home and took out her late husband's gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
So the widow went home and took out her late husband's gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.
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SanAntonioBuck
RIP Our Friend and Hero
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, ?And what starting salary were you looking for??
The Engineer said, ?In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.?
The interviewer said, ?Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years ? say, a red Corvette??
The Engineer sat up straight and said, ?Wow! Are you kidding??
And the interviewer replied, ?Yeah, but you started it.?
The Engineer said, ?In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.?
The interviewer said, ?Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years ? say, a red Corvette??
The Engineer sat up straight and said, ?Wow! Are you kidding??
And the interviewer replied, ?Yeah, but you started it.?
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Gatorubet
Loathing All Things Georgia
Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to
get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll have to think on it and let you know," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why
didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money! My bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought me a
new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed! -
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's
somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the
shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to
get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll have to think on it and let you know," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why
didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"
asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money! My bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so
happy to have saved all that money that I went out and bought me a
new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure
you?" asked the psychiatrist.
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed! -
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Shhhhh ... the folks from Kant Read/Kant Write wouldn't know if you didn't tell them...BayBuck;1113332; said:
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IronBuckI;1113438; said:
.. but they're moving BuckBackHome's favorite coloring book... and the best part of BBH's college work is in that book
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
WAL-MART APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old Senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: George Martin
SEX:Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old Senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas . They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: George Martin
SEX:Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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Who's the dummy?
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over !
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