Best Jokes

[ScriptOhio]

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate...and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!" Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've...I've been a hooker." "That's alright." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

 

[ScriptOhio]

Anybody else remember Red Skelton?



RED SKELTON'S SECRET TO THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word or political. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

 

[ScriptOhio]

Ponderisms

[1] I used to eat natural foods ‘til I learned that most people die of natural causes.

[2] How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered??

[3] Why do you "put your two cents in"... when it's only a "penny for your thoughts" ? Where'd that extra penny go ? (taxes?)

[4] What disease did cured ham actually have?

[5] How is it we put a man on the moon before we figured out it's a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

[6] Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours ?

[7] If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

[8] Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

[9] Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

[10] Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

[11] Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

[12] Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

[13] If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

[14] Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

[15] HOW DID THE MAN who MADE the FIRST CLOCK KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS ?

 

[ScriptOhio]

 

[ScriptOhio]

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? DisgruntledWriting my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

[ScriptOhio]

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answered given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else
I thought growing old would take longer.

 

[DubCoffman62]

Having worked with a worked with a number of Mexican nationals we exchange jokes about one and another. My favorite one to tell them is "Why doesn't Mexico ever win gold medals in the Olympics? Because all of their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are already in the US" The best one I've heard about Americans goes something like this. "A Mexican and a gringo were duck hunting along the border. They both shoot at the same duck and it falls right on the borderline. The Mexican tells the gringo, "it could have been either one of this. How about we do this, we kick each other in the butt and whoever can stand the most kicks gets to keep the duck" The gringo agrees and the Mexican says "I'll go first" and proceeds to start kick the gringo in the butt. After about 100 kicks the gringo says "ya, ya, that's enough! Ok now it's my turn to kick you" and the Mexicans says "No, it's ok, you can keep it"