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Best Jokes

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she
reports for her first day promptly at [FONT='Arial','sans-serif']8:00 AM [/font]

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee .

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factoryfloor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of
fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together
and approached Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.'
 
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Too much Viagra...

A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.

The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.

The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.

A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
 
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SanAntonioBuck;1024157; said:
A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.

The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.

The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.

A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."
Click to expand...

The whole bottle, ouch!. I wonder if he contacted his doc if the erection lasted 4 hours.
 
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The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious/constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


 
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An older man (Lenny) goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

Lenny, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear!"
 
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Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching the town of Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... Very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,gerrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
 
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him what happened.

"Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and, while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake," said the man.

"What did you do?", asked the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' "
 
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Repeat joke alert: Best Buckeye, did you forget to give the credit for the THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK joke to the other two folks that posted it previously?
In May 2006, Ohio Steeler used it, and in October of this year, Script Ohio also posted it. Shame on you. :shake:[/QUOTE]
 
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MightbeaBuck;1033959; said:
Repeat joke alert: Best Buckeye, did you forget to give the credit for the THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK joke to the other two folks that posted it previously?
In May 2006, Ohio Steeler used it, and in October of this year, Script Ohio also posted it. Shame on you. :shake:
Click to expand...
[/quote]
OK heres the credit Ohio Steeler and Script Ohio get for posting it first, now where's my credit for all the stuff of mine that has been re posted ? :slappy:OOP s take away Scripts credit because he , in fact , reposted it too. lol. why are yuou giving him credit? :slappy:
 
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Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
 
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NJ-Buckeye said:
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida

Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Click to expand...
I only see 2 problems there.
 
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