Best Jokes

[ScriptOhio]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

 

[ScriptOhio]

An open letter on "How to save the airlines!"

Dump the male flight attendants. No one
wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with
good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they
don't even serve food anymore, so what's
the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol
sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in
the cabin. And, of course, every businessman
in this country would start flying again, hoping
to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants
wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more
money. I suspect tips would be so good that we
could charge the women for working the plane
and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for
fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would
come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle
it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability
into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?


Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

 

[ScriptOhio]

Funeral Expenses

Martin's Will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his widow, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Martin would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

"Thirty-thousand", said the widow.

"No!" Jody exclaimed "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

The widow answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone,"

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats"

 

[ScriptOhio]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

 

[ScriptOhio]

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

 

[ScriptOhio]

POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "T hat would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

 

[ScriptOhio]

It was the last day of school and some of the children brought gifts for their teacher to thank her for the school year.

The florist's son brought the teacher a wonderful bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then little Johnny, the liquor-store owner's son, brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," Johnny replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Is it some kind of new rum?"

Once again, Johnny said "No."

After still another taste of the liquid, she said, "I know, its Champagne, right?"

"No," said Johnny . . . "It's a puppy!"

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

PREGNANT LADY ON A BUS...

AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and Igrinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just Lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

 

[ScriptOhio]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have two female
parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some
fun?'"
"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he
thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the

Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and
Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that
phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very
well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to
the priest 's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that
his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
walked over and placed the female parrots in the
cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male
parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.
"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been
answered!"

 

[Gatorubet]

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[ScriptOhio]

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called "The Samaritans Lifeline".

I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and I'm sure that they want to help me; they asked if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane ....

 

[ScriptOhio]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Linoleum

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

 

[DGADBTWSOM]

[FONT=arial,helvetica]A blonde in church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess
your transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.[/FONT]

 

[Mike80]

Once upon a time, there was a season when neither Ohio State nor
Michigan made a post-season bowl game.

It seemed so unusual that the teams figured there should be some sort of
competition anyway.

So they got together and decided on a week-long ice-fishing competition.


On the first day, Ohio State caught 100 fish and Michigan caught none.

On the second day, Ohio State had caught 200 fish and Michigan still had
zero.

The Michigan coach, suspecting cheating, dressed one of his players in
scarlet and gray and sent him to the Ohio State camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day, the player came back to the report.

"Are they cheating?" asked the coach.

"They sure are," the player said. "They're cutting holes in the ice!"

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.