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Best Jokes

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The Condom

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
and had never been married. She was admired for
her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she
showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited
him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated,
of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and
scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me
about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
through the park a few months ago and I found this little
package on the ground. The directions said to place it on
the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."
 
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The Pharmacist

A calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy & walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, " I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world would you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big & he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That's against the law. I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not.

You CANNOT have any cyanide."

The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, "

Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
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Great Sex

The Jewish man said, "Last week, my wife and I
had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with
schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife
and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter.
We then made passionate love and she screamed for
fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I
also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil.
We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman
asked, "What could you have possibly done to make
your wife scream for six hours ?"

The Italian man replied, "I wiped my hands on the
bedspread..."
 
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Male Strippers

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, Grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!!
 
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The Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
 
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The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created
with a picture of President George Bush to honor his achievements
while serving as the President of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the
stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been
sent using the "Bush" postage was not being delivered. President
Bush demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after
several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:


*The stamp was manufactured properly.

*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.

*People were just spitting on the wrong side.
 
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The Chief Samurai

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai.
A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding position: 1. a Japanese Samurai, 2. a Chinese Samurai and 3. a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.
The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.
The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.
The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai.
The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
 
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Marrying A Chicago Girl

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. On that the first day, he didn't see any results, but the next
day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Chicago. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.
 
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Mexican First Aide

Luis and Flaco were having the burrito special at their favorite taqueria, when they heard this awful choking sound.
They turned to see this viejita a few stools down turning blue from wolfing down some menudo too fast.
Flaco said to Luis, "What do you say ese shall we help her?"
"Well Yeah", said Luis.
Flaco got up and walked over to the viejeita and asked, "Can you briffe?" She shook her head que no.
"Can you speak?" she shook her head que No.
With that he helped her to her feet. Lifted up her skirt and licked her butt.
She was so shocked, she coughed up the piece of menudo and began to breathe with great relief.
Flaco turned to his friend Luis and said, "Orale ese, see that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
 
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World's Shortest Books

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW WE HELPED AFTER KATRINA

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
________________________________


Sequel:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

_________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES

by Ted Kennedy
___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
*******************************************************

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi
 
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This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

 So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

 He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

 But there was no answer from his new pet.This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

 Butagain, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"

A little voice came out of the box...

"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes"
 
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Where did the white man go wrong?

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."


The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex."


Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough think he improve system like that."

 
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A father asked his 10-yr old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me withg the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing to live for!"
 
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History

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm going puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If
you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro; someone shouted "Duck"!
Teacher, just walking by, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!
 
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