Best Jokes

[MightbeaBuck]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

After a long pause, the "pilot" replied: "You mean, you're not my instructor?"

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Quiz: Male Or Female?

You may not have known this but a lot of inanimate objects actually have a gender. That's right, they are either male or female. Following is a list of examples, see if you can guess which are male and which are female BEFORE you look at the answers!

1. Freezer Bags.
2. Photocopiers.
3. Tires.
4. Hot Air Balloons.
5. Sponges.
6. Web Pages.
7. Trains.
8. Egg Timers.
9. Hammers.
10. Remote Controls.
















Think about them carefully before proceeding to the answers.


















Answers:





1. Freezer Bags are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Photocopiers are female, because once turnd off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

3. Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

4. Hot Air Balloons are also a male object because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under their butt.

5. Sponges are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web Pages are female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently being hit on.

7. Trains are definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

8. Egg Timers are female, because, over tiem, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammers are male, because, in the last 5,000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

10. The Remote Control is female. Ha! You probably thought they would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keep trying.

 

[buckeyebilly]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then
answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically? "The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo."

 

[ScriptOhio]

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­ [FONT=Book
Antiqua]At[/FONT] last a guy has taken the time to write this all down




Finally[FONT=Book
Antiqua],[/FONT] the guys' side of the story.
([FONT=Book
Antiqua]I[/FONT][FONT=Book
Antiqua] must admit, it's pretty good.) [/FONT]
[FONT=Book
Antiqua]We always hear[/FONT][FONT=Book
Antiqua]"[/FONT] the rules" [FONT=Book
Antiqua]From the female side.[/FONT]


Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers. ​

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. ​

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be. ​

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way. ​

1. Crying is blackmail. ​

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it! ​

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. ​

1. Come to us with a problem​

only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. ​

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. ​

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. ​

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. ​

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the​

other one​

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. ​

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. ​

1. Christopher Columbus did​

NOT need directions and neither do we. ​

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not ​

A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no[FONT=Book
Antiqua] idea what mauve is. [/FONT]​

[FONT=Book
Antiqua]1. If it itches, it [/FONT]​

will be scratched. ​

We do that. ​

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. ​

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ​

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... ​

Really .​

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf. ​

1. You have enough clothes. ​

1. You have too many shoes. ​

1. I am in shape.​

Round IS a shape! ​

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; ​

[FONT=Book
Antiqua]But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. [/FONT]​

 

[OCBucksFan]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
”I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke. ” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. “Same,” says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there”

“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there, ” says the man.

The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

 

[AMISH-SLAYER]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine Into someone's day, he went to pay for his Groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Don't always trust little Old Ladies!!!

 

[OCBucksFan]

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see what happened?"

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

"They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?"

The monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

 

[OCBucksFan]

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there.

St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions.Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get.You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!"

St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?"

The guy replied, "24 years."

St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive."

The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman!I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear!Here's a Jaguar for you to drive."

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"

 

[OCBucksFan]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

Mafia Advice


An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to
approach the bed and says,
"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38-caliber
revolver so you willa always remember me."

The grandson smiles weakly and replies;
"But grandpa, I really Doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
ROLEX watch instead?"

Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice;
"Shuddup an lissin! Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna
have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple
a bambinos."

After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues;
Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. Whadda you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say
"Times up?"

 

[OCBuckWife]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.

"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna, "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

 

[ScriptOhio]

Who is doing the work?

The population of the USA is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the Federal
Government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with
killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work
for state and city Governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer,
reading jokes on Buckeye Planet.

Nice.... Real nice!!

 

[BB73]

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer,
reading jokes on Buckeye Planet.

Nice.... Real nice!!

You're retired, but I just found 5 million more people to do the work, so screw you!

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the Federal
Government.

Leaving [strike] 15 [/strike] 20 million to do the work.

 

[OCBucksFan]

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:


CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Three Tickets

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman, who was dressed to impress. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to titsburg." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So, of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger?s going to shake his peter at you."