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Best Jokes

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A young man is walking down by the docks one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer. He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old fisherman, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, ?Hey old timer, why the long face??
The old man looks at him and points out the window, ?See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."


The old man continued, ?And see that ship out there? I ?ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman? No,no. ?


The old man starts to cry again, ?But you fuck one goat ? ?
goatqn1.jpg
 
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Words That Have Two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female -- Any part under a car's hood.
Male ---- The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female -- Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male ---- Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female -- The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ---- Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female -- A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male ---- Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female -- A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male ---- Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female -- An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male ---- A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female -- The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male ---- Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female -- A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ---- A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
 
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A priest, a lawyer, and a pediatrician are on the deck of the Titanic. Before hopping into a lifeboat, the pediatrician says, "Wait! Let's first think about the children!"

To which the lawyer replies with a growl, "Fuck the children."

To which the priest responds hopefully, "Is there time?"
 
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Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart, George has already taught him to pronounce more than 200 words."
"Wow, that's impressive," Cheney said. "But you do realize he just says the words; he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"That's ok," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."
 
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A woman inherits a parrot form her uncle when he dies.
Much to her horror, the parrot curses her and everyone it sees.
She tells the parrot; "I've had it with you! Stop your cursing or I'll do something drastic!"
The parrot curses a blue streak non stop for 3 hours.
Finally, the woman goes to the cage and grabs the parrot and puts him in the freezer.
She listens at the door as the parrot really goes crazy with calling her names. This goes on for 20 minutes and the voice of the parrot starts fading and finally stops.
Panicked, the woman opens the door to see if the parrot is still alive.
Upon opening the door the parrot says;
"I'm sooo sorry! I learned my lessen and will never, ever curse again.
"But I have one question;"
"What did the chicken do?"
 
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A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
 
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Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female, passed out drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Packer fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Vikings fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Raiders fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.

The police were called and when the first officer arrived, he conducted his investigation. First he lifted up the Packers cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Vikings cap and replaced it, writing down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Raiders cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time.

The Raiders fan was becoming annoyed and asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”

“Well,” said the officer, “I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Raiders cap.... you find an asshole.”
 
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OCBucksFan;925828; said:
?Well,? said the officer, ?I am just simply surprised. Normally, when you look under a Raiders cap.... you find an asshole.?
Click to expand...

Unless its a LadyRaider...then you find...well, starts with a C and sounds like bunt. This being a "work safe" thread I'm trying to be.....polite!
 
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On The Balcony:

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mom and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too."
 
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Dirty IQ Test

Questions...

1. When I go in I might cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip.
When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I'm at least 6 inches long.
I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4.chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course!
 
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Tech support guys have to deal with lot of silly people. Following are some true conversation recorded .


Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one?

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can?t get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it?s really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn?t sound good; I?ll make a note ?
Customer: No ? wait a minute? I hadn?t inserted it yet? it?s still on my desk? sorry ??

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Helpdesk: Click on the ?my computer? icon on to the left of ! the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer : Hello? I can?t print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ?
Customer: Listen pal; don?t start getting technical on me! I?m not Bill Gates damn it!

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Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can?t print. Every time I try it says ?Can?t find printer?. I?ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can?t find it?

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Customer: I have problems printing in red?
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.

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Helpdesk: What?s on your monitor now ma?am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

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Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It?s not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing?s happening?

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it?s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can?t get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there?s another one here. Ah?that one does work!

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Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in! Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

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A customer couldn?t get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I?m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

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Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That?s not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry?Internet Explorer.

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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

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Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over ! 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don?t understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
 
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M Zone Wonderlic Test

1. If the Ohio State tailback gets $42,000 from a Buckeye booster but the Escalade he wants is $57,000, he should:

a) Buy a different SUV
b) Take a job he doesn't have to show up for from another booster to cover the difference
c) Ask Maurice Clarett to borrow one for him
d) Transfer to an SEC school with more generous boosters

2. Texas A&M scores 46 points against Miami in a bowl game. How many staff members will Larry Coker fire the next week?

3. If Joe Paterno's team loses a close game, how long before his players will be allowed to talk to the media again? Bonus: How long will Penn State fans complain on their message boards?

4. Which of these numbers in the following group is the largest?

a) 10 x 14 x 5
b) 632
c) 1,000 - 275 + 30
d) Charlie Weis' cholesterol level

5. A linebacker is 21. The underage girl he sleeps with is 16. At Tennessee, how many plays against a non-conference team would he have to miss as punishment?

6. If ESPN's Gameday crew were to go to Arkansas to cover a game, how much netting would be needed to protect Kirk, Lee and Chris Fowler from objects thrown by Razorback fans?

a) none
b) 200 feet
c) all Home Depot sells in a three city area
d) Trick question: Gameday would never go to Arkansas

7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.3 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.48 but the 9mm Glock hidden in Vick's waistband is heavier. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest?

8. If the world's largest sequoia tree is almost 3,000 years old and the earth's crust is 5 billion years old, how old is Bobby Bowden if he started coaching before either?

9. If Michigan has a 12 point lead with under 9 minutes left in the game, how much time will be left on the clock when the opposing team scores the winning touchdown?

a) 3 minutes
b) 1 minute
c) :35 seconds
d) none, last play of the game and immediately named ESPN Instant Classic

10. Your team's stadium holds 96,000 fans but regularly only sells 32,000 tickets to its home games. How long will it take the team bus to drive back to Westwood?

11. Which would be more unbearable: Spending a hot day in the stall of Ralphie, the Colorado Buff mascot, or driving across Kansas in a vinyl-seated, non-air conditioned '73 Nova with Jayhawks coach Mark Mangino. Explain.

12. If you watch two hours of ESPN pre-game, four hours of post-game and six versions of SportsCenter during which Beano Cook appears 15% of each broadcast, how many times will you want to gouge your eyes out with a tongue depressor?

13. Floyd of Rosedale is:
a) Barney Fife's neighbor from the old ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW
b) The current WWF champion
c) A college football trophy as coveted as winning a giant stuffed animal at the state fair

14. If a Onepeat.com LSU fan wastes 60% of each day stewing over the shared title with USC in 2003, how many hours will he have left each week to not date women?
15. The ninth month of the year is:
a) June
b) January
c) November
d) The time when the Kappa Kappa Gamma girls arrive back on campus to start doing your homework again

EXTRA CREDIT: If Lou Holtz is brought in to rebuild your program, how many years of NCAA probation will your school receive when he leaves?
 
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[FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Sans-Serif][FONT=Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, Sans-Serif]A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings
along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where
the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind
the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
[/FONT]
[/FONT]
 
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VOTED BEST JOKE IN AUSTRALIA

Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
 
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