• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!
How long will you live

I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?" "Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even care?!"
 
Upvote 0
Repeat joke alert: SanAntonioBuck, did you forget to give the credit for the How Long will You Live joke to the other two folks that posted it previously?
In August 2006, NJBuckeye used it, and in April of this year, MililaniBuckeye also posted it. Shame on you. :shake:
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Missed a big deer today, but at least I got laid.
 
Upvote 0
Meatchicken joke

After Michigan coach Bo Schembechler passes away and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two bedroom house with a faded UM banner hanging from the front porch. This is your home now coach. Most people don't get their own house up here God exclaims.

Bo looked at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge two-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.

Ohio state flags line both sides of the sidewalk with a huge scarlet and grey OSU banner hanging between the marble columns.

Thanks for the home God, but let me ask you a question.

I get this little two bedroom house with a faded UM Michigan banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new OSU banners and flags flying all over the place.

Why is that God?

God looks at him seriously for a moment then replies

"That's not Woody's house, That's mine"!!!!!!!
 
Upvote 0
We're off to see the Wizard!

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado....
And off they whirled to the land of OZ.


They finally made it to the Emerald City ..

...and went to find the Great Wizard

"What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

"
No Problem! Said the Wizard. Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said:


"Well, I think I need a heart.""Done! Says the Wizard."
"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"


Up stepped Bush and said,


"The American people say that I need a brain."


"No problem! Said the Wizard.
Consider it done."


Then there is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton
is just standing there, looking around,
But he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,


"Well, what do you want?"


"IS DOROTHY HERE?"
 
Upvote 0
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.

"Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."
 
Upvote 0
Involuntary Muscular Contractions:

A Professor was giving a lecture on ' Involuntary Muscular
Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 
Upvote 0
SanAntonioBuck;1002777; said:
Involuntary Muscular Contractions:

A Professor was giving a lecture on ' Involuntary Muscular
Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

:slappy:
 
Upvote 0
Like A Christmas Tree

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Surprised, the father answers, "Well sure, son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...and they change somewhat, depending on a woman's age.

"In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions, Dad?" asked the son.

"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."

Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"

The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Xmas tree."

"A Xmas tree?" asked the daughter.

"Yes -- dried up and the balls are only there for decoration."
 
Upvote 0
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.”

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well . . you started it.”
 
Upvote 0
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
 
Upvote 0
See how quickly you will learn a new language

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS" ...

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS" ...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS" .

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What?? "

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea. .meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds. "

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'​
 
Upvote 0
Stun Gun

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was
looking for a little something 'extra' for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries,
right?!!! There I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving target.

I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of
a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But,
if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5'
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and
loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to myself, 'NO possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'Don't do it master,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...

I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and
over, and over, and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'do it
again, do it again!'

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a 'one-second burst' , when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. (How did they up get there???)

My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.


I'm still looking for my testicles.
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
 
Upvote 0
Back
Top