Best Jokes

[MightbeaBuck]

Evening Classes For Women

1. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet, Too.
2. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His.
3. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
4. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
5. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging.
6. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
7. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.
8. Oil and Gasoline: Your Car Needs Both.
9. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
10. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

 

[WaitingforKickoff]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'

ha. I thought the father was going to swallow the nickel.

 

[OState29]

A boy walked up to a priest and said "My father beats me, I don't want to live with him." so the priest asked why he doesn't live with his mother. The boy replied "she beats me too, I don't want to live with her." So the priest asked the boy "Well, who do you want to live with?" and he quickly responded "The Michigan Wolverines, they don't beat anybody!"

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Signs

These are all supposedly actual signs, on a business or business vehicle...

1. Sign over a Gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones at your cervix!"
2. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
3. On a septic tank truck: "Yesterday's Meals On Wheels".
4. On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
5. On another plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
6. At a tire store: "Invite us to your next blowout."
7. On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
8. On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
9. On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
10. At a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 - NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.


Bathroom Breaks:Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

[DGADBTWSOM]

What's orange and looks good on hippies?




Fire.

 

[ScriptOhio]

New Office Policy

As January 20, 2009, when President-elect Barack
Obama is officially sworn into office, our company will instill
a few new policies, which are in keeping with his new, inspiring
issues of change and fairness:

1. All salespeople will be pooling their sales and bonuses into
a common pool that will be divided equally between all of you.
This will serve to give those of you who are underachieving a
"fair shake."

2. All low-level workers will be pooling their wages, including
overtime, into a common pool, dividing it equally amongst
yourselves. This will help those who are "too busy for overtime"
to reap the rewards from those who have more spare time and
can work extra hours.

3. All top management will now be referred to as "the government."
We will not participate in this "pooling" experience because the
law doesn't apply to us.

4. The "government" will give eloquent speeches to all employees
every week, encouraging its workers to continue to work hard
"for the good of all."

5. The employees will be thrilled with these new policies because
it's "good to spread the wealth." Those of you who have
underachieved will finally get an opportunity; those of you who
have worked hard and had success will feel more "patriotic."

6. The last few people who were hired should clean out their desks.
Don't feel bad, though, because President Obama will give you free
health-care, free handouts, free oil for heating your home, free
food-stamps, and he'll let you stay in your home for as long as you
want even if you can't pay your mortgage. If you appeal directly
to our democratic congress, you might even get a free flat-screen
TV and a coupon for free haircuts.

(After all, shouldn't all Americans be entitled to look nice?) !!!

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Lost Grandpa

Was at the Mall with my 5-year-old grandson last week and we became separated.
He approached a uniformed policeman and announced, "I've lost my Grandpa!"
"What's he like?" asked the policeman.
"Beer and women with big boobs," replied my grandson.
...I've never been more proud of him.

 

[LitlBuck]

Two blondes

> Two blonde girls were working for the city public
> works
> department. One would dig a hole and the other
> would follow behind her
> and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of
> the street, then down
> the other, then moved on to the next street,
> working furiously all day
> without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other
> girl filling it in
> again.
>
> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but
> couldn't
> understand what they were doing. So he asked the
> hole digger, 'I'm
> impressed by the effort you two are putting in to
> your work, but I
> don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to
> have your partner follow
> behind and fill it up again?'
>
> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed,
> 'Well, I suppose it
> probably looks odd because we're normally a
> three-person team. But today
> the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

 

[MililaniBuckeye]

Gun powder

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[ScriptOhio]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE.. WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, WD-40 IT. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, DUCT IT.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive.

 

[Mac]

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

hahaha made me laugh, I like it :)

 

[LitlBuck]

The Game Warden

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.

If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Nature's Rules Of Golf

1. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
2. The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.
3. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
4. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to continue watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
5. Any change in your stance, grip or swing works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum of not at all.
6. No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
7. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
8. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
9. If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
10. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, Say Father, what causes arthritis?

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned',then returned to his paper.

The priest thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'