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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
Is it worth trying to do???? NOT can it be done!!!! Date: Monday, September
29, 2008, 12:15 AM Subject: iran Air defense
In addition to communicating with the local air traffic control facility, aircraft are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute "heads up" that they will be transiting Iranian airspace. This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the emergency frequency 121.5 Mhz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this ...
Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at
(location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."
Aircraft: "This a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."
Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!"
Aircraft ft: "This is a United States fighter. Send 'em up!"
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Upvote
0
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
with OneStone !!!
Upvote
0
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Investment tips for 2008
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally . . .
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in later this year:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally . . .
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
Upvote
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
A lady in Ann Arbor calls 911. Hysterically, she says,
'Someone's just broken into my house, and I think he's going to
rob me!'
The police officer says, 'Ma'm, we're really busy at the moment.
Just get
the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
Q: What is Rich Rodriguez's biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
_______________________________________ ______________
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Ann Arbor?
A: A huddle
_____________________________________________________
Q: Four Michigan players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police
____________________________________________________
Q: Why can't most of the U of M players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
__________________________________________________
The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
______________________________________________ __________
The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
______________________________________________________
Q: How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda rights
'Someone's just broken into my house, and I think he's going to
rob me!'
The police officer says, 'Ma'm, we're really busy at the moment.
Just get
the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you.'
Q: What is Rich Rodriguez's biggest concern?
A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
_______________________________________ ______________
Q: What do you call a drug ring in Ann Arbor?
A: A huddle
_____________________________________________________
Q: Four Michigan players are in a car, who's driving?
A: The police
____________________________________________________
Q: Why can't most of the U of M players get into a huddle on the field?
A: It is a parole violation to associate with known felons.
__________________________________________________
The University of Michigan team has adopted a new Honor System:
'Yes, your Honor; No, your Honor'.
______________________________________________ __________
The Wolverines are hoping for an undefeated season this year....
11 Arrests, 0 convictions.
______________________________________________________
Q: How did the Wolverines spend the first week of Spring Training?
A: Studying their Miranda rights
Upvote
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A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first young man came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
"No", the farmer said.
The second young man came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No", the farmer said.
The third young man came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
"No", the farmer said.
The second young man came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"
"No", the farmer said.
The third young man came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck."
The farmer shot Chuck.
Upvote
0
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Signs
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Upvote
0
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Circumcision
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He
did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his
"private part" hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had
just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's
office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he
should do about it. He
did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
She went back to investigate only to find him
sitting at his desk with his
"private part" hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could
stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school.
Upvote
0
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Another reason to love your wife
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I
had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking." she replied!
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer
says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control
at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now
don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks
over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep
your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be
thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the
illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his
wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit,
woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I
had it on, but took it off when you pulled me
over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
"Does your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?"
I love this part....
"Only when he's been drinking." she replied!
Upvote
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Johnny want to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The bastard used coins!"
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you."
But the girl said, "NO".
Johnny said, "Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?
She wailed, "The bastard used coins!"
Upvote
0
OSU Football Baby.................
An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a New York bar, when
he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a
typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football
player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds.'The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Ohio fathertakes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender andproudly says, 'Had him circumcised.'
An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a New York bar, when
he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a
round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a
typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds,
but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's about average back home,
folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football
player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of'WOW!' One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds.'The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious.'What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!' The Ohio fathertakes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender andproudly says, 'Had him circumcised.'
Upvote
0
buckeyebilly
Senior
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop.
The seat mate was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop.
The seat mate was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
Upvote
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I 've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the
woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the
effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the
effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I 've had to
turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
Upvote
0