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Nuclear power



A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'



'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.



'Okay,' she said, 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

​
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
 
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Oral surgery

ORAL SURGERY...A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot."No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patientsaid.The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the manobjects."I can't do the gas thing. The thought of havingthe gas mask on is suffocating me!'The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objectionto taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says.'I'm fine with pills.'The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagratablet.'The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!''It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but itwill give you something to hold on to when I pull yourtooth!
 
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After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'
 
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Manly Bike for Sale

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Date: 2008-07-22, 10:18AM PDT


Bike for sale

What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying 'FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME'.

The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way.

The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating.

The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything.

I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total:

Gear 1 - Sissy Gear
Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear
Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear
Gear 4 - Boy Gear
Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear
Gear 6 - Manly Gear
Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear

I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest.

Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves 'Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four'.

Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 765370039
 
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Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

i_safe.gif

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
 
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Math Question

Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. ​





What was the name of the bus driver?



Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? Or have you forgotten it was YOU driving the BUS!!
 
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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house
was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and
after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and
asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just
witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place, smack his ass again!'
 
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An old lady is walking down the street. dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.

Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair." said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "Not everybody pays."
 
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LitlBuck;1249488; said:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'
Click to expand...


The flip side of that joke..........

After naming all the animals in the Garden of Eden, Adam was getting rather lonely and bored, and asked God for a companion.

"Well," said God, "I could give you a companion who is beautiful, sexy, and will honor you each day, and love you always no matter what, and will be content with you and the life you provide for her."

"Wow! That sounds perfect. How much will one of thos cost me?"

"An arm and a leg", said God.

"Oh. Well, what can I get for a rib?"
 
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The Pregnancy

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

The mother says, "Who was the terrible boy that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and says: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem."

"I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

"Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account."

"If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "If there is a miscarriage, your gonna try again."
 
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Women's Ass Size Study ...

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him;
he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.



grin.gif
 
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Alligators

The smaller Alligator turned to the bigger one & said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just
don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Gator, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Gator.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by
the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars & wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by
the leg, shake the shit out of them & eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big bull Gator, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time
you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's
nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.'
 
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The nosy ass neighbor ...

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair,
drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged
that she came running over and stood in front of me and
shouted, "You should be hung!!!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam
from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared
directly into the eyes of my nosy ass neighbor and calmly replied,

"I am! That's why she cuts the grass!"
 
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Blonde at the dry cleaners

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again!'

The blonde stops, turns and says, 'No, its mustard this time.'
 
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Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that her husband, Ralph, had read an article that said, "Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex".

The night went very well.

The next day, she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that ... Ralph was too tired.."
 
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