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Flat Tire

Two guys were taking a chemistry class at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final with a solid "A." They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, because they had hangovers, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam.

Rather than taking the final, they found their professor after it was over and explained why they missed the final. They told him that they went to the University of Tennessee for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but had a flat tire on the way back. Since they didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time, they were late in getting back to campus. The professor told them they could make up the final on the following day. They were elated and relieved.

The next day, the professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem, worth five points, was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they both thought. "This is going to be easy."

The next problem was worth 95 points. It said, "Which tire?"
 
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Sensitive Redneck

> Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower:
> > Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. > > > >
As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls >
Off the tower and is killed instantly. > >
As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, > >
'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.' >
> Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive> stuff, I'll do it. >
> > 'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of> Budweiser. > >
> Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'> '
> > Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.> >
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband> was > Dead and she gave you beer?' > > Well, not exactly', Donnie says.

> 'When she answered the door, I said to her, > >
You must be Cooter's widow'.' > >
She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a> widow.'

> > Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you> are.'
 
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A woman gets in an elevator in a very tall building and presses the button for the top floor. After a few floors, a shabby looking man in a black trenchcoat gets in. The woman out of the corner of her eye notices him staring at her with a perverted look on his face. She started easing away from him when he asked her "Can I smell your pussy?". With great indignation she replied "Uh, no". The doors opened to the man's floor and as he was getting off turned to her and said, "Must be your feet, then"
 
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, “You see, it’s like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………… so does she.”
 
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Best Menopause Question Ever

​
Q:
How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They
don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD B! E THE WRAPPER
THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES
OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!

I'm sorry. What was the question?

​
 
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

 He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

 The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

 The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

 Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

 'There's no money in that account.'

 'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
 
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Blonde man

**** The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy
**** hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
****
**** As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
****
**** The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go
**** out to her motor home with her... so I did."
****
**** "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did."
****
**** "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did."
****
**** "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did."
****
**** "Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town, cowboy...."
****
**** "And here I am."
 
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Milk Bath




A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.



The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'



The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'



The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face'.
 
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My First Time

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hand on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
 
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ANNOUNCEMENT

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $299 to $349, depending on cup
and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough,
as women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.
 
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[FONT=arial,helvetica]One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly,
'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' [/FONT]
 
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An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no Heaven.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room.

The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.

"Well," said John, "I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"

"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere near Diablo, Colorado."
 
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From a new retiree:
As many of you know, I had ambitions of finding a simple,
uncomplicated, part time job after retiring from my 'day job'.
Unfortunately, as I have gotten a little older, I have become a little less
sensitive. So after landing my new job as a Wal- Martgreeter, a good find for
many retirees,
I lasted less than a day..

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I
had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and
welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid,
Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you
for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this
line of work...
 
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