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Best Jokes

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A man walks out to the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to
Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do
everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his @#$%&** widow.
 
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Washington Post poetry contest

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to Hell".

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
 
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A Love Story


Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
 
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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many
children she had and their ages.
She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy,
they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six.
And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four ...'

'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'
The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds
of times we didn't get nothin.'
 
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."The man consulted his portable GPS and replied,"You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.Frankly, you've not been much help to me.

"The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."<"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
 
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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said,
'Sure I can. Just watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
 
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A bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day……..

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
‘What the hell was I thinking?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you,
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go…
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time …
let’s say we stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I‘m so miserable without you,
it’s almost like you’re here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay
 
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That reminds me of a movie where the main character is a greeting card writer who starts writing crazy things after something bad happens to him (girlfriend dumps him or some such thing). I can't for the life of me remember the title or who starred, but this is one of the cards his boss asks him about:

"Happy birthday, Grandma,
Happy birthday to you!
And if you're still alive next year,
Happy birthday then, too!
 
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Union Rules

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending
a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out
the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he
asked the Madam, 'Is this a union house?'

'No,' she replied, 'I'm sorry it isn't.'

'Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?'

'The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,' she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped
off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully
unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where
the Madam responded, 'Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules.'

The man asked, 'And if I pay you $100, what cut do the
girls get?'

'The girls get $80 and the house gets $20,' she replied.

'That's more like it!' the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and
pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde ...
I'd like her,' he said.

'I'm sure you would, sir,' said the Madam. Then she gestured to a
92-year old woman in the corner, 'but Ethel here has 67 years
seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'
 
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Three little ducks go into a Bar:

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?' asked the bartender.

'Great; lovely, rainy day. Had a ball, been in and out of puddles
all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh, that's nice,' said the bartender.

He then turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey?' he asked.

'Great, lovely rainy day. I've had a ball too; been in and out of
Puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said;
'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes; 'My name is Puddles.'
 
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing
her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor
whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was
definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral Sex' will do
the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but
they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
Nervously the husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
 
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