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Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top
of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones
because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead,
they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't
as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when
in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man
to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to
the top of the tree.

Now Men .... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and
it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
 
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A man walks up to the bar and announces "give me six shots of vodka"
The bartender pours the shots and watches the man shoot them, cleaning away the empties he inquires "So what's the celebration?"
"My first blowjob" the man replies.
"Damn son, well then the 7th is on the house" Says the bartender as he grabs the bottle.
"No thanks" the man says while shaking his head "if the first six didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."
 
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Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel,
'Why are your boobs on your back?'
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'Well,' says the camel,
'I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose wiener is on his face.'
 
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Valuable Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $44.00 left.

If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is officially called the 401-Keg Plan.
 
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Obsessions....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.
 
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Peanuts Anyone?

A tour bus driver is driving with a
bus load of seniors down a highway
when he is tapped on his shoulder
by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him
on his shoulder again and she hands
him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five
more times.

When she is about to hand him another
batch again he asks the little old lady,
'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no
teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy
them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the
chocolate around them.'
 
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Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks,
"What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain
it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me
The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the
money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs,
so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call
him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it
makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking
about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room
and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to
wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the
keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his
father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept
of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing
the Working Class while the Government is sound
asleep. The People are being ignored and the
Future is in deep shit."
 
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Scam @ Home Depot

Thought you should know about this scam at Home Depot...

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs nude over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. This is a serious scam. I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each
 
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1957

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says. 'That''s cool.' says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'
'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! THE TWIST ! It's called the twist!!'
 
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How Italians do Business

Luigi (the father ... says to his son): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son says: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi says: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter
Son answers: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'
Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates and says, 'I have a husband for your daughter ...'


Bill Gates answers: 'But my daughter is too young to
marry!!'
Luigi says: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'.
Bill Gates answers: 'Ah, in that case . ok'


Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank. Luigi says: 'I have a young man to be to recommend as a vice-president.'
President answers: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'


Luigi says: 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President answers: 'Ah, in that case . ok'
And that, my friends, is how Italians do business
 
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Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from The Ohio State University, has inventeda bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples frompushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of mentook Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
 
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SELLING TIES

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot !!! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
'Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie !!!'
 
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Top Ten Questions Not To Ask In A Job Interview

10. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?

9. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?

8. Do you have a random drug testing policy?

7. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?

6. How in depth are your criminal background checks?

5. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

2. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?

1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
 
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Retired from Ohio

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar -all drinks 10 cents.'They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?' There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.. Shaken, not stirred,and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please'.



The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other..They can't believe their

good luck. They pay 40 cents, finish their martinis,

and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please.' They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?'



'I'm a retired tailor from Boston ,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.' Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help [FONT=Comic
Sans MS]but notice seven other people at the end [/FONT]
of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.



One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar

without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with

them?' The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old

retired farts from Ohio, they're waiting for happy

hour when drinks are half price.'
 
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