Best Jokes

[ScriptOhio]

War Days ...

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Naples
went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional,
the man said, 'Father, during World War II, a beautiful
young woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide
her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did,
my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me
with sexual favors every day and twice on weekends.'

The priest said, 'By doing that, you were both in great
danger. However, two people under those circumstances
can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly
sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I
do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.



'Should I tell her the war is over?

 

[ScriptOhio]

The fishing trip

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Honey I have been
asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of
his friends. We'll be gone for a week.'

He continues by saying, 'this is a good opportunity for me to
get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please
pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing
box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to
pick my things up' ' Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife
she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise
looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught
many fish?

He said, 'Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Northern Pike, and a few Trout.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?'

The wife replied, 'I did. They're in your fishing box..... '

 

[BuckyBalls]

I received this in amail today and thought about posting it in the TSun recruiting thread

Looks like a bad year ahead for the Buckeyes!!2008 Michigan Football Scouting ReportWell folks, it has finally arrived....the Wolverine football scouting report. Following are Michigan's top recruits:

Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6', 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Flint in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most 'you knows' during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.

Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3', 220 lbs.. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40-yard dash with a 19? TV under each arm.

Roosevelt 'Dude' Dansell: 6' 1', 1 95 lbs. Running Back. From Red Bank, Michigan . Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the Wolverines to change maize and blue school colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as 'red brick.'

Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8', 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: 'The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma.' On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

Willie 'Night Train' Smith: 6'4', 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak
train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Recruited by Nebraska . Thought the 'N' on their helmets stood for 'Nowledge', but still meets the stringent Michiganentrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam.

Tyrone 'Python' Peoples: 6'10', 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with Michigan . Likes wild women and red Cadillac?s. Thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Telephone Company.

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10', 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Homes is a housing project in Detroit . Doesn't know the meaning of the word 'fear.' (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

Note: Michigan track coach intends to use several of the above signees in their track program. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to let Michigan use a burglar alarm.
Folks, we thought we'd be able to give you the scouting report on the Florida Gators, but unfortunately none of their current recruits are out on parole and could not be reached in time for this report.

 

[ScriptOhio]

Cold Beer

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung out the wash to
dry, put a roast in the oven and then went downtown to pick
up some dry cleaning. 'Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today,'
she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

As she passed a tavern she thought, 'Vy nodt?' So she walked
in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender walked up and
asked her what she would like to drink.

'Ya know, its zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer' Helga said.

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener'?

 

[ScriptOhio]

How to tell the sex of a fly ....

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies.' he responded.

'Oh. Killing any?', she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 females.' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked: 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

Golf Outing

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing. At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought..........



damn !!! -- I could win this thing!!!

 

[Oh8ch]

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and
told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her
fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and
color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this
the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more
appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for
those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps
ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's
directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite
appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as
innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so
excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on
our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled
immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four
years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was
going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

 

[MightbeaBuck]

The Moment

One night, Suzanne found her husband just standing, staring at the crib while their baby girl slept.

She saw his face register disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, wonder, enchantment, and concern.

Touched by his unusual emotional display, she slipped her arms around him and whispered, "A penny for your thoughts."

He softly replied, "I'm amazed that they can make a crib like that for only forty bucks!"

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words !!)

These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison,"
and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That, at least, is the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The card board box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said : 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.'

in reality... only part of this story is true... but there is a similar story in the UK.. which is suspected was behind making this tale into a legend

Burglars in UK ransacked some fellas house... and mistook ashes of the family dog as coke... coke lines were left behind.. and first couple rows gone

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Church Bulletins

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
5. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.'

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly is open.'

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?'

The lady thought for a moment and said "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags."

 

[OCBuckWife]

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

What they did take, however, was 'a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder.' (That, at least, is the way the police report described it.)

A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, 'that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.'

Later, Nathan stood in front of the numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: 'Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.'

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The card board box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

Scotch taped to the box was this note which said : 'Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.'

in reality... only part of this story is true... but there is a similar story in the UK.. which is suspected was behind making this tale into a legend

Burglars in UK ransacked some fellas house... and mistook ashes of the family dog as coke... coke lines were left behind.. and first couple rows gone

It is hard to believe anyone could mistake cremains for coke. They look NOTHING like each other, even when the cremains have been fine ground for dispersion.

Snopes has a great entry about this particular legend.

 

[ScriptOhio]

Best pick up line

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned
around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and
said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime,
anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door,
back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down,
naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't
matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out
of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding!
I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

 

[ScriptOhio]

Smart Ass Answers for a laugh

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight On Hooters
Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who
was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'