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Best Jokes

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A famous painter, in the prime of her career, was losing her eyesight.

She found the best eye surgeon, endured months of surgeries and therapy, and finally her sight was restored.

She was so grateful that she offered to express her gratitude by painting a huge mural for her doctor's waiting room, with a gigantic eye as its focal point.

The local newspaper sent a reporter to interview the doctor.

"What was your reaction the first time you saw the mural, with that gigantic eye in the middle of your waiting room wall?"

The doctor responded, "I thought, 'Thank God, I'm not a proctologist'!"
 
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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan.
As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand.Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp." Who disturbs me?" asked the genie.Jim and Lloyd both say they did."You will each get one wish," said the genie.
Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable
wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!"
The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is
instantly whisked away to his new paradise.
The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish.
Jim says, "Fill it up with water."
 
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A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident.
He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time.
 
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A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?" "No," she said, "I've got cold cream on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess up the bed. He said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?" She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed." He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?" She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed." "Ok," he said and went on to sleep.The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on. His wife asked what the outfit was for. He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington, D. C..

He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse "I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father," replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT." Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Bill Clinton spoke.

"Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen" said Bill. "Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves... I would like to do the same."
 
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Alright I'm not sure if this jokes been told, but here it goes anyway....

So theres this man standing outside of a gas station and he has no arms.

The first guy walks out and hes this big thug.

The man standing outside goes, sir as you can see i have no arms and i really need to pee i was wondering if you could give me a hand.

The man that walked out said your lucky u aint got no arms because i would be the shit out of you.

The next guy walks out...

and the man standing outside again goes sir as you can see i have no arms and really need to pee i was wondering if you could give me a hand.

The guy felt bad for him so he said yeah of course lets just go around to the side of the building. So he unzips him and even shakes him when hes done. Then man looks at his penis and says HEY what are all these bumps and nasty shit on your cock.

The man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says i dont know but im not touching it.
 
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FadeToBuck4;1202430; said:
Alright I'm not sure if this jokes been told, but here it goes anyway....

So theres this man standing outside of a gas station and he has no arms.

The first guy walks out and hes this big thug.

The man standing outside goes, sir as you can see i have no arms and i really need to pee i was wondering if you could give me a hand.

The man that walked out said your lucky u aint got no arms because i would be the shit out of you.

The next guy walks out...

and the man standing outside again goes sir as you can see i have no arms and really need to pee i was wondering if you could give me a hand.

The guy felt bad for him so he said yeah of course lets just go around to the side of the building. So he unzips him and even shakes him when hes done. Then man looks at his penis and says HEY what are all these bumps and nasty shit on your cock.

The man pulls his arms out of his shirt and says i dont know but im not touching it.
Click to expand...

:rofl:
 
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LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES

Katie, an elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car hasbeen broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedaland even the accelerator!' she criedThe dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. 'She gotin the back-seat by mistake.
 
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker
were in Mexico arguing about which place had the
toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a
tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian
woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly
pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The
Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the
Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada
that was absolutely "im-peckable" (a term
woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican
woodpecker expressed confidence that he
could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican
woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called
"im-peckable" tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How
is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck
the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was
able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able
to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to
the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away
from home!!
 
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Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary
wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's
wife how she would like the body dressed. She points
out that the man does look good in the black suit he
is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her
husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him
in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check
and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my
husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her
delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue
suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very
satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful.
How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her
with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You
see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size
was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was
wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded
him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she
said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'



'So I just switched the heads!'
 
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Apartment Rental

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and
agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but before he leaves,
he tells her that he does not have any cash with
him, but he will have his secretary write a check
and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and
enclosed the following typed note:



Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250
for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount
agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that;

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and
at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned
the check for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how
to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular
size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady.

Please send the agreed upon rent in full or we will be
forced to contact your present landlady.
 
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MARK YOUR CALENDAR FOR NEXT SATURDAY!

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman
other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next
Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out
of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think
its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support
for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol,
a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists
and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

It is your patriotic duty to pass this on. If you don't send this to at
least 5 people you're a terrorist sympathizing lily-livered coward and
are in the position of posing as a national threat!
 
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WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son.

Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' the dad

answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men.

ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
 
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