• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
 
Upvote 0
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?
 
Upvote 0
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,
of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card
with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the
optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
 
Upvote 0
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some
more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn
them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to
get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be
CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just
wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
 
Upvote 0
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army
dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a
jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
 
Upvote 0
29 Lines......

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought
he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. I
knew the other planets sent their garbage to the earth
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Maybe not necessarily.
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew
up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. PARK ELSEWHERE!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment
for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson .
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
 
Upvote 0
Deaf Wife
A man feared that his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to,
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how
to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him that there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about
her hearing loss.

[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor. 'Stand about 40 feet away [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]from her, and, in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]in the den. He thinks to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]see what happens.' Then, in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]for dinner?'

No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]about 30 feet from his wife then repeats, [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]from his wife then asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial][/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Helvetica, Arial]
(I just love this)


'Ralph, for the FIFTH Damn' time, CHICKEN !!!!!!!!!!!
[/FONT]
 
Upvote 0
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a pipe wrench."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a pipe wrench."
Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fuckin' bastard!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"
Paddy, at the back of the court, stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a fuckin' pipe wrench, he said he didn't have one!"
 
Upvote 0
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.



It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.











So they buried Debbie
 
Upvote 0
The barber shop ..

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the
same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on
by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers
were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would
turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama
in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop
him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think
I've been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How about you?'

McCain replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like.'
 
Upvote 0
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking
it up and watching all the bubbles.
****
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
****
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine.'
****
The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.
If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'
****
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a
cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules,
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory will be out-of-bounds to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60."
And concluded with this stern admonition, "Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male voice from within the crowd in the auditorium was heard asking, "How much for a season pass?!"
 
Upvote 0
A husband and wife wake up on their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife looks at here husband and says, "What do you want to do on our special day?" The husband answers, "Well to be honest I'd really like a blow job." Appalled she answers, "I've never done that and I never will!" At this point the husband takes her by the hand and says "Honey we've been married for fifty years I've always been fathful, I've been a good father and provider and in 50 years I've never asked for this once. Honey I've been a good and patient man." She admitted, "You have been a good man. Ok I'll do it." About a minute after the blowjob the phone rings the husband answers "Yeah she's right here just a second." He looks at his wife and says "It's for you cocksucker"
 
Upvote 0
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top