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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A Love Story
I will seek and find you....
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All of my love,
The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
I will seek and find you....
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake, & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All of my love,
The Flu
(Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!)
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?The blonde said it was hers.
Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Bears In Bars (A Golden Moldy)
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
(You're gonna love this...)
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
(You're gonna love this...)
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Alzheimer's Test
Alzheimer's Test (I passed the test with flying colors!)
The following Alzheimer's test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can not do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down...
Alzheimer's Test (I passed the test with flying colors!)
The following Alzheimer's test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ...Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age can not do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top
down...
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Pastor Brown was driving to church Sunday in his Cadillac when he spied Pastor White riding a bicycle. He stopped and asked, "What happened to your Chevy?"
"Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage."
"You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one's wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?"
The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking.
"What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?"
"No," said Pastor White. "I think one of my parishioners stole it."
"That's terrible," said Father Brown. "This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear."
Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, "See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick."
Pastor White sheepishly replied, "Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
"Things have been tight lately. I had to sell it to pay the church mortgage."
"You need to preach on tithing and the importance of sharing one's wealth with God and Church this Sunday, Pastor White. How do you think I got my new Cadillac?"
The next Sunday he saw Pastor White only this week he was walking.
"What happened? Did you have to sell your bike?"
"No," said Pastor White. "I think one of my parishioners stole it."
"That's terrible," said Father Brown. "This Sunday, preach the Ten Commandments and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' lay it on extra heavy. I guarantee your bike will mysteriously reappear."
Sure enough, the following Sunday Pastor Brown saw Pastor White, and this week he was back on his bicycle. Pastor Brown said, "See? I told you the Ten Commandments would do the trick."
Pastor White sheepishly replied, "Well, it did help, but not like you thought. When I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left my bike!"
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bucks4me
"Dry" Humor
Thank you for purchasing 'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole .
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole .
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
Woman - 'WHAT?'
Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.. the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
The Chicken Farmer
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she replied. "Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Breeds Of Dogs
Cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso to get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Cross a Spitz and a Chow Chow to get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Cross a Pointer and a Setter to get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund to get a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Cross a Pekingnese and a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Cross an Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel to get a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Cross a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever to get a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Cross a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Cross a Terrier and a Bulldog to get a Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Cross a Bloodhound and a Labrador to get a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Cross a Malamute and a Pointer to get a Moot Point, owned by... oh, well; it doesn't matter.
Cross a Deerhound and a Terrier to get a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cross a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu to get a....
Cross a Collie and a Lhasa Apso to get a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Cross a Spitz and a Chow Chow to get a Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot.
Cross a Pointer and a Setter to get a Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Cross a Great Pyrenees and a Dachshund to get a Pyradachs, a puzzling breed.
Cross a Pekingnese and a Lhasa Apso to get a Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Cross an Irish Water Spaniel and an English Springer Spaniel to get a Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
Cross a Labrador Retriever and a Curly Coated Retriever to get a Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Cross a Newfoundland and a Basset Hound to get a Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.
Cross a Terrier and a Bulldog to get a Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Cross a Bloodhound and a Labrador to get a Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Cross a Malamute and a Pointer to get a Moot Point, owned by... oh, well; it doesn't matter.
Cross a Deerhound and a Terrier to get a Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Cross a Bull Terrier and a ShihTzu to get a....
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A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is BUCKYLE and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is BUCKYLE and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney'
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