• Follow us on Twitter @buckeyeplanet and @bp_recruiting, like us on Facebook! Enjoy a post or article, recommend it to others! BP is only as strong as its community, and we only promote by word of mouth, so share away!
  • Consider registering! Fewer and higher quality ads, no emails you don't want, access to all the forums, download game torrents, private messages, polls, Sportsbook, etc. Even if you just want to lurk, there are a lot of good reasons to register!

Best Jokes

Jump to latest Follow Reply
Sort by date Sort by votes
Animal Husbandry

One night, as the farmer and his wife were reading in bed, he looked up from his copy of "Animal Husbandry" and said, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She gazed back at him hopefully, smiled, and said, "Really? Well, prove it!"

He frowned, then said, "Okay". And left the bedroom.

An hour later, he returned, all tired and sweaty, and said: "I know that the cow and the sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, it's really hard to tell!"
 
Upvote 0

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The tw o gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
Upvote 0
Tickle me Elmo!!!!

Tickle Me Elmo:

download
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..
download

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

download


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
download


The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
 
Upvote 0
**** A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA

TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY. WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO
MUCH

THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY. BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!!!!

****

**** HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN

APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR. IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!! THEY
JUST

HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM
FOR A

RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE
KNOWS.

****

**** THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A

TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER T
HERE? I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS

AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

****

**** THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITEPINE, 383

BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

****

**** THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!! HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS

ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD. HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE
PASSENGER

WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION. THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A

DIFFERENT CLASS.

****

**** "THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR

BOARD FEET."

****

**** THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN

QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

****

**** ONE MORE TEST. THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE

FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN. THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS
DRIVER

SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

****

**** BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE

OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

****

**** THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A

LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.
AS THEY

NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP
OUTSIDE.

****

**** HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER

THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE
FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

****

**** THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS

THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

****

**** WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE

LOOKING AT THE GROUND. HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE
TRUNK.

****

**** HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK. "THAT

THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

****

**** THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE

HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

****

**** THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF

HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK
A

SHIT BEHIND IT!"

****

**** HE GOT THE JOB AND IS NOW THE FOREMAN!!!!!
 
Upvote 0
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
 
Upvote 0
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
 
Upvote 0
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica][/FONT]History Mystery

[FONT=Times New Roman, Times]
[/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman, Times] [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

[/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named [/FONT]Lincoln [FONT=Arial, Helvetica].

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded [/FONT]Lincoln [FONT=Arial, Helvetica], was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

[/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated [/FONT]Lincoln [FONT=Arial, Helvetica], was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.[/FONT] [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker ...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe. [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica]

[/FONT]
 
Upvote 0
The Parrot




A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,
obnoxious and laced with profanity.


John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and
anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the
bird and shoved him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot,
John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arms and said 'I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to
correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued....

........"May I inquire as to what the turkey did?'
 
Upvote 0
Taosman;925027; said:
A woman inherits a parrot form her uncle when he dies.
Much to her horror, the parrot curses her and everyone it sees.
She tells the parrot; "I've had it with you! Stop your cursing or I'll do something drastic!"
The parrot curses a blue streak non stop for 3 hours.
Finally, the woman goes to the cage and grabs the parrot and puts him in the freezer.
She listens at the door as the parrot really goes crazy with calling her names. This goes on for 20 minutes and the voice of the parrot starts fading and finally stops.
Panicked, the woman opens the door to see if the parrot is still alive.
Upon opening the door the parrot says;
"I'm sooo sorry! I learned my lessen and will never, ever curse again.
"But I have one question;"
"What did the chicken do?"
Click to expand...
Repeating (sort of) a Taosman joke?
 
Upvote 0
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top