Best Jokes

[MightbeaBuck]

The Second Christmas Joke Of 2008

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"In honor of this holy season," said St. Peter, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly Gates," said St. Peter.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
St. Peter said, "You may pass through the Pearly Gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
"These are Carols," the man replied.

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Getting Results

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
The befuddled clerk, in front of a growing crowd of customers, ran away to get the store manager.
The manager comes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.
Once again the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"RUB MY NIPPLES!'
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
"RUB MY NIPPLES!"
and, in doing so, draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES RUBBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"
The crowd broke into applause and the woman's money was quickly refunded.

 

[ScriptOhio]

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no.Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down herdrawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies outof her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks s lowly back to the bar. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!

 

[MililaniBuckeye]

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, The weather out there is terrible.

My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.

 

[MightbeaBuck]

Blonde Joke No. 231

A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."
"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."
"There must be something you would like," said God.
"Well, there is one thing."
"Name it," said God.
She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"
"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.
"Tell me, please!" said God.
"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"

 

[Jake]

:)

 

[LitlBuck]

Thanksgiving Divorce

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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego two days before

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Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that

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your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.

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"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

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"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says.

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"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your

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sister in Denver and tell her."

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Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck

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they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

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She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT

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getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my

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brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a

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thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

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The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,

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"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

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[kippy1040]

About 25 years ago when my EX-wife and i were on vacation in Nags Head, NC., i saw a neat T-shirt with the slogan "Don't argue with your wife - just Dicker." So I bought it for laughs........I think that was the beginning of the divorce proceedings.

 

[Fungo Squiggly]

About 25 years ago when my EX-wife and i were on vacation in Nags Head, NC., i saw a neat T-shirt with the slogan "Don't argue with your wife - just Dicker." So I bought it for laughs........I think that was the beginning of the divorce proceedings.

And after the proceedings, that t-shirt was the only thing you had left. :tongue2:

 

[kippy1040]

L. O. L. at that one Bucky Katt. Yeah I guess so but there were other Issues in the back of her mind. But I think that T-shirt thing was the "StraW" that broke the camels back.

 

[MililaniBuckeye]

About 25 years ago when my EX-wife and i were on vacation in Nags Head, NC., i saw a neat T-shirt with the slogan "Don't argue with your wife - just Dicker." So I bought it for laughs........I think that was the beginning of the divorce proceedings.

Coincidence? I think not...

 

[MililaniBuckeye]

Might be a repreat, but fuck it...

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One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

 

[Oh8ch]

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent,
Looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

 

[FWBuckeye]

I apologize if this is older than the Michigan/Toledo joke, but I just saw it and thought it worthy of posting.

BCS DECLARES GERMANY WINNER OF WORLD WAR II
US Ranked 4th

After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the
BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS
declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

"Germany put together an incredible number of victories
beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and
continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland,France,
Norway, Sweden,Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses
came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of
work--including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule--our computers
deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking."

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS
commissioner stated "The US only had two major victories--Japan and
Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren't influenced by
head-to-head contests--they consider each contest to be only a single,
equally-weighted event."

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said "Yes, we lost to the US; but
we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks." Herr Hitler has been
criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn 'style points' to
enhance Germany's rankings. Hitler protested "Our contest with Poland
was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were
incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional
forces."

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS
commented " France had a single loss against Germany and following a
preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2."

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo
and the Philippines.