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Best Jokes

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Congratulations!

Overheard in the next cubicle: "Ted got promoted, so I'm collecting money to buy him a cake."

"What? Now he'll be grossly overcompensated compared with the rest of us. Buying him a cake only exasperates the unfairness!"

There was a pause.

"Did you know he has high cholesterol?"

"Here's my dollar!"
 
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Chicken & the Horse

I don't know if this has been posted already, but if it has...oh well!!

Once upon a time there were a horse and a chicken who were good
friends. They lived on a ranch with lots of other animals and were very happy.
One day, while they were playing near a pond, the horse stepped into a hole
of quicksand. The horse rapidly sank and was yelling for his friend,
the chicken, to save him.

The chicken thought for a minute, then ran away.

The chicken ran back to the ranchouse, and jumped into the rancher's
BMW. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, and the chicken managed to
start the car, and put it in gear.

It raced over to the sinkhole, where the horse had almost disappeared
by now. The smart chicken tied a rope around the back of the BMW and
threw the other end around the front legs of the horse.

The chicken hopped back in the driver's seat and stepped on the gas.

Ever so slowly, the horse eased out of the quicksand and jumped to safety.

The horse, still on shaky legs, stuttered: "You just saved my life.Thank you!"

The chicken just said, " don't mention it - That's what friends are for!!"

A few days later, the horse got up from a good night's rest, and heard
some muffled cries for help coming from the backyard. The horse
followed the sounds and came upon a terrible scene: There was his best friend,
the chicken, stuck in a hole of quicksand! The sand was already up to its
neck-feathers and the cries for help had almost stopped.

The horse took a quick look around: No rope in sight. And the rancher
had gone to town with his BMW. What to do?

The horse took a deep breath and spread his body and legs out over
the hole. His "member" was dangling down right above the poor chicken.

"Here, my friend, grab my thingy and I will pull you to safety!"

With its last bit of energy, the chicken grabbed a hold of the big
horse-thingy and the horse straightened its body, pulling the chicken
from its trap. With one big step, both were on solid ground and safe.

The chicken slumped down on the ground, exhausted: "Now you saved my
life, my friend!!"

The horse just smiled.

And what is the moral of this story?........

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
 
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An ellderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told
>the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
>prepared...The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
>convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
>
>The woman replied, 'You must understand, I've lived
>alone all my life, I
>rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
>be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?'
>
>The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and
>he went to the
>spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
>and the will.
>
>The lawyer's first question was, 'Would you please
>tell me what you have
>in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed
>under your will?'
>
>
>She replied, 'Besides the furniture and accessories you
>see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank. '
>
>'Tell me,' the lawyer asked, 'how would you
>like the $40,000 to be distributed?'
>
>The spinster said, 'Well, as I've told you,
>I've lived a reclusive life,
>people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
>notice when I pass
>on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.'
>
>The lawyer remarked, 'Well, for $35,000 you will be
>able to have a funeral
>that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
>impression on
>anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
>
>But tell me,' he continued, 'what would you like to
>do with the remaining $5,000?'
>
>The spinster replied, 'As you know, I've never
>married, I've lived alone
>almost my entire life, a and in fact I've never slept
>with a man.
>
>Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange
>for a man to sleep with me.'
>
>'This is a very unusual request,' the lawyer said,
>adding, 'but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you. '
>
>That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about
>the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
>
>After thinking about how much she could do around the house
>with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
>provide the service himself.
>
>She said, 'I'll drive you over tomorrow morning,
>and wait in the car until you're finished.'
>
>The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house
>and waited while he went into the house
>
>She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't
>come out. So she blew the car horn.
>
>Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer
>stuck his head out
>and yelled, 'Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to
>let the County bury her.'
 
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The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in pick-up trucks.

This was done in an effort to determine, when accidents occured, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of crashes were, "Uh oh."

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"
 
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SantasG-mailAccount.jpg
 
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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Ohio. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye---enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher
 
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Three babies in a woman's womb


There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.

The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He boldly says, "So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us!"
 
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My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that

always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store

in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds

or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in

the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda

bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my

own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry

a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.

'Makes your dick look bigger.'
 
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After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.

"That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.

Bob complained, "That?s still a lot of money." Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.

Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no? What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!"

So the clerk handed him a mirror!!
 
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ScriptOhio;843762; said:
World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
Click to expand...
....again
 
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Don't ask me if this is BB73, or Cinci, or WoodyWorshipper.
pissingoldmanbg5.jpg


An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist '
But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. '

'I am 86' said the old man.'I don't want an erection.
I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'
 
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