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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Only about 1,200 jokes. The rest are repeats or comments about the jokes (or comments about the jokers.)BUCKYLE;1367937; said:
It takes less time to check to see if a joke (or anything else) has been posted before than it does to actually post one. And it is always the same couple of people that do it. (or don't do it...)
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*Subject:* dead donkey
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Just watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a mint.
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'
Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Just watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with
Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a mint.
'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Chuck now works for the government.
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A FUNERAL
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 1000 men
walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and
said, 'I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my wife when the dog turned on her.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'[/FONT]
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning
coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black
hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 1000 men
walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and
said, 'I am so sorry
for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to
help my wife when the dog turned on her.'[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed
between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
'Get in line.'[/FONT]
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LitlBuck
Kevin Warren is an ass
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did?..better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting new countertops.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did?..better in fact! However, the thing is, it does not come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a six inch one before, and you decide to go for a ten incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a ten inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a six incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting new countertops.'
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LoKyBuckeye
I give up. This board is too hard to understand.
That's it! One more repeat of a joke and I'm locking this thread.... you lazy fucks need to do your homework before posting a joke. There is NO EXCUSE for it.
elitist pr_cks
elitist pr_cks
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Puns to make you go "Ooohhh"
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts chec ked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
14 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts chec ked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
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Kopache24
Newbie
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
All the way to Timbuktu."
The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
All the way to Timbuktu."
The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that?
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:
"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu."
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