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Best Jokes

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Jet Fuel...

Razorbuck and Basshole are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.

One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with
nothing to do.

Razorbuck says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink."

Basshole says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and
get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch
and get completely smashed.

The next morning Razorbuck wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact, he feels great no hangover.

No bad side effects, nothing.

Then the phone rings. It's Basshole.

Basshole: "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Razorbuck: "Great!"

Basshole: "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Razorbuck: "No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We
oughta do this more often."

Basshole: "Yeah, well, there's just one thing...."

Razorbuck: "What's that?





Basshole: "Have you farted yet?"





Razorbuck: "No."



Basshole: "Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

grin.gif
 
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Questions that haunt!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it
considered rape or shoplifting?

________________________________

Can you cry under water?

________________________________

How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

________________________________

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a
"penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

________________________________

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
were
buried in for eternity?

________________________________

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

________________________________

What disease did cured ham actually have?

________________________________

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

________________________________

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
wake up like every two hours?

________________________________

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?

________________________________

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

________________________________

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

________________________________

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.

________________________________

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

________________________________

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

________________________________

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid
song about him?

________________________________

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

________________________________

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, hy can't he fix a hole in a boat?

________________________________

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!

________________________________

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME shit,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

________________________________

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

________________________________

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
morons?

________________________________

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

________________________________

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

________________________________



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window?
 
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The importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years oldto spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
*****************************************






My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is...
*******************************************
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
*******************************************​

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again​
.​

********************************************​

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..​
********************************************​

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.​

*******************************************​

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.​

********************************************​

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.​

******************************************​

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'​

********************************************​

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.​
********************************************​

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.​

******************************************​

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.​
*********************** *********************​

AND​


Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.​

********************************************​
 
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9 words women use

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE​
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
 
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A DARN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I
can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but
they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so
down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into
the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas
I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're
afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes,
so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at
work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful
for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
 
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The husband store

A store that sells new husbands, has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store...


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer...


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
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The first time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time ..
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be really going for it, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
'Oh,' she said 'I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
 
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Lesson learned

An old prospector walks his tired old mule ​


into a western town one day. He'd been out ​


in the desert for about six months without a ​


drop of whiskey. ​


He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied ​


his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there ​


brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, ​


a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a ​


gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. ​


The young gunslinger looked at the old man and ​


laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?' ​


The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, ​


I never did dance. I just never wanted to.' ​


A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, ​


'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started ​


shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was ​


hopping around and everybody was laughing. ​


When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered ​


his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. ​


The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, ​


and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking ​


sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything ​


got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly ​


turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun. ​


The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?' ​


The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've ​

always wanted to.'
 
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> A Blonde is watching the news with her husband
> when the newscaster says,
> "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
>
> The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing
> "That's horrible! So many men dying like that."
>
> Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad,
> but they were skydiving,
> and there is always that risk involved."
>
> After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing,
> says,
> "How many is a Brazilian?"
​
 
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The other day my wife was hinting at what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said she wanted something shiny that went from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds............................ I bought her a scale.
 
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