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Best Jokes

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What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?

Skeet.

What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?

A Doberman.

What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?

One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
 
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Jake;1423970; said:
What do you call 25 skydiving I.R.S. agents?

Skeet.

What's brown and looks really good on an I.R.S. agent?

A Doberman.

What's the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?

One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.
Click to expand...


What's orange and looks good on an I.R.S. agent?

Fire.
 
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Great Truths That Children Have Learned

Maybe not a "Best Joke" but cute...

1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2. When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 
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email from God

God looked down at the earth and wanted to know what kind of behavior was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not."

God was disappointed but thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time, too.

True enough, when the second angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true - the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them to continue being good.

Do you know what that E-mail said?

No?

Neither do I; I didn't get one either....
 
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to
process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to
wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married
in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time
anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they
were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married,
what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what
if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on
the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to
find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll
take to find a lawyer???"
 
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.


When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.


The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."
 
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Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos.
After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.
The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.
Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater.
He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.
The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.
Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"
 
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kinda fits here... kinda.. true story

yesterday I was talking to an older gentlemen on the phone
we were talking about the financial services industry
he said "well, I sell fire insurance"
I said "really?"
His reply "yep, I'm a minister"

pretty witty fella .. and actually dang funny
 
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The Good Dates

A good friend warned the father of three daughters that, as his daughters became old enough to date, he'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, he was pleased that his friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to his daughter Joanna one day, the man said that he liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
 
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head, "no.."
Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"
The woman begins to turn blue, and again shakes her head, "no."
The hillbilly walks over to the wo man, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she b egins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it afore!"
 
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Little Johnny's mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. "Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they're married."

A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. "So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you 'saving it' for marriage?"

Little Johnny pulled a jar out from under his bed. "I think I'm doing great, Mom! So far, I've got nearly a quart!"
 
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And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after falling asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


My favorite one:


QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday... Nothing. And on Saturday and Sunday... I rest!


 
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A mother and her 5 yr. old son were flying Southwest Airlines
from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother couldn't think of an answer so she told her son to
go ask the flight attendant.

The boy walks to the galley and asks the attendant. "If big
dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't
big planes have baby planes?"

The woman responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are NO baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you!!!"
 
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Texas Bank Robber

Bank Robbery in Texas

A hooded armed robber bursts into a Texas Bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot a brave Texas customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots this brave Texan without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone else, by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

The Robber calls out, "Did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of silence, and then an old man, while still looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse of you?
 
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