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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
OHSportsFan
Fan of Ohio Sports in Indy
ScriptOhio;969001; said:A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
Best Buckeye;1229948; said:
Best Buckeye;1371083; said:
BUCKYLE;1449288; said:
BUCKYLE;1453633; said:Heard this one before.
Yeah, way to switch it up Kyle!
:p
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OHSportsFan
Fan of Ohio Sports in Indy
Ah, yeah of course. 1 word difference.
At least you weren't like Best, who posted the same joke twice himself.
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Gatorubet
Loathing All Things Georgia
OHSportsFan9;1453744; said:Ah, yeah of course. 1 word difference.
At least you weren't like Best, who posted the same joke twice himself.
Well, handling that Hoveround and posting takes a lot of concentration when those damn kids are on his lawn...:tongue2:
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[FONT="]I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.[/FONT]
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.[/FONT]
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Mistaken Arrest
A man was tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ?What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the ?Choose Life? license plate holder, the ?Follow Me to Sunday-School? bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
A man was tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ?What Would Jesus Do? bumper sticker, the ?Choose Life? license plate holder, the ?Follow Me to Sunday-School? bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life with her husband.
When she gets home, she puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ...
... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank the stars for that," he exclaimed. "For a moment there I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
When she gets home, she puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the settee. At strategic moments she crosses her legs ...
... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Yes," she answers.
"Thank the stars for that," he exclaimed. "For a moment there I thought the stuffing was coming out of the sofa."
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Dr. Drobkin was a world-famous cardiologist who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin fart?"
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference coincidently held in his home town. He walked on stage, placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the lecture room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Cohen and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Cohen?"
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here, received my education here, but then moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I visited once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Drobkin replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my embarrassment."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Drobkin fart?"
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Cinderella
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither Cinderella nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!"
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with an old cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful,but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither Cinderella nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!"
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
In Las Vegas
A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (pick an appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked the driver?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" yelled the driver.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers....
A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- if he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.
The cabbie said (pick an appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked the driver?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab!" yelled the driver.
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers....
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[FONT="]A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself :[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Man[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="] May I buy you a cocktail?[/FONT][FONT="]
Woman[/FONT][FONT="]: No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.[/FONT][FONT="]
Man:[/FONT][FONT="] Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?[/FONT][FONT="]
Woman: [/FONT][FONT="]No, they spread[/FONT][FONT="].[/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="]Man[/FONT][FONT="]:[/FONT][FONT="] May I buy you a cocktail?[/FONT][FONT="]
Woman[/FONT][FONT="]: No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.[/FONT][FONT="]
Man:[/FONT][FONT="] Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?[/FONT][FONT="]
Woman: [/FONT][FONT="]No, they spread[/FONT][FONT="].[/FONT]
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
The Jar
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar
on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim
with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than
ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender
and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well.........you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you
get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he
asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first. Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute
or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 80-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things.....'
'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks ... but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull
chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling,
biting, and screaming sounds ... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches
and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar
on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim
with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than
ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender
and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well.........you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you
get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he
asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first. Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender
the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute
or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 80-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things.....'
'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks ... but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull
chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling,
biting, and screaming sounds ... then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches
and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
How the tax system works, explained using beer...........
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a few beers and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer bill by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!'
'Yes, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did'
'That's true!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get ten back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
Suppose that every day, ten men go out for a few beers and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:
The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer bill by $20.' Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everyone's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.
And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).
Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, 'but he got $10!'
'Yes, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I did'
'That's true!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get ten back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks'
'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor'
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
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