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Best Jokes

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Irish Sausages

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.



Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'



Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'



He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pintsof Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.



Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'



Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! 'They downed their drinks.



Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'



The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'



Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
 
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Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.

It gets worse........

next year......











2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
 
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Happy Woman

A woman in her fifties is at home, NAKED,
happily jumping on her bed and squealing
with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks,
'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and
says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came
from having a mammogram, and the doctor says
that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts
of an 18 year-old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your
55-year old ass ?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.
 
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I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage / yard sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!", the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was "No!" By now I was starting to smile.
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered, "No!".

I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year-old boy shouted out : "YOU'VE GOTTA BE FUCKING DEAD! ..."
 
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True Girl Power

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc .

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell , and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'

'Yes,' said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'

'It's The Box Office.'
 
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[FONT=&quot]How much money do pole dancers really make?

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Answer: whenever I?ve gone to those places seems to me that they made exactly every penny I had on me.[/FONT]
 
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Stress Management

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
(Sometimes timing is everything)
 
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Oldie but Goodie

I laughed again at this today...maybe I just like penguin jokes.


A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and that he should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again. He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I though I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
 
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New ice cream flavor

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream
has introduced a new flavor;" Barocky Road". Barocky Road is a blend of half
Vanilla, half Chocolate, and surrounded by Nuts and Flakes. The Vanilla portion
of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The
Nuts and Flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00
per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone. But, then
the Ice Cream is taken away, and given to the person who can't afford it in line behind you.
Thus you are left with an empty Wallet, no change, holding an empty cone,
with no hope of getting any Ice Cream. The socialistic dream come true.

Are you feeling stimulated?
 
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And God said








God Said, Adam I Want you to do something for me!
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.


Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.......'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, he said,

'In the cave you will find a Woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'!
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, '! What is it now?'
And Adam said **
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!!
'What's a headache?'


​
 
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$50 For the Homeless

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed.
"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
 
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I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure
my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay! Stay!'
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty, gave me a strange look and said,

'Why don't you just put it in park?'
 
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