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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
MONTbigBuck
Heisman
Gatorubet;1489261; said:
this one came from my girlfriend's daughter.
Following Farrah Fawcett's sad death, Farrah was greeted in heaven by God. With heart-felt compassion, God asked her if he might grant her a single wish.
"I would like Earth to be a safe place for all the worlds children to grow up in".
Instantly Micheal Jackson felt a tightening in his chest.
Sidenote, Gator... If in the next few days Gary Glitter feels that same tight feeling, I will be inclined to believe that this one(joke) was based on a true story.
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ulukinatme
Old Skool
I heard this one at the US Open:
Two midgets, Joe and Gary, picked up a few hookers and took them back to a hotel. Joe tried all night, but he couldn't get aroused enough for sex. Through the course of the night he could hear Gary next door however. "1, 2, 3, hmph! 1, 2, 3, urgh!" This went on for some time.
The next day Gary asks how his buddy did. Joe told him about his embarrassing night. Gary said "Thats not as embarrassing as mine, I couldn't even get into bed!"
Two midgets, Joe and Gary, picked up a few hookers and took them back to a hotel. Joe tried all night, but he couldn't get aroused enough for sex. Through the course of the night he could hear Gary next door however. "1, 2, 3, hmph! 1, 2, 3, urgh!" This went on for some time.
The next day Gary asks how his buddy did. Joe told him about his embarrassing night. Gary said "Thats not as embarrassing as mine, I couldn't even get into bed!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Jewish Lady ...
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape,
was sunbathing on a most deserted beach
in Southern Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand near hers
and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a
conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned
back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?"
she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years
ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away
three years ago and it is very lonely,? she
countered. "Do you live around here?" she
asked.
"Yes, I live just a few miles away," he answered,
and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she
persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over
to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave
her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she
gasped and asked the man, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name
was Katz?"
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape,
was sunbathing on a most deserted beach
in Southern Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her
age, also in good shape, had walked up,
placed his blanket on the sand near hers
and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a
conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned
back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?"
she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years
ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I sorry to hear that. My husband passed away
three years ago and it is very lonely,? she
countered. "Do you live around here?" she
asked.
"Yes, I live just a few miles away," he answered,
and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she
persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over
to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave
her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she
gasped and asked the man, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied. "How did you know my name
was Katz?"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Golf Joke
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Hey! Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!"
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up trashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!
Then POOF!......she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Hey! Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Things are tough everywhere..........
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ? you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ? he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ? you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake ? he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Guys, a quick thank you. I send these to my son in Afghanistan daily and it really lifts the guys' spirits. 
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
The new minister's wife had a baby, so the minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.
Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Story of my life:
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
When he got home, he called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You do, Daddy!"
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
When he got home, he called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You do, Daddy!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'
.
.
.
He lost 63 pounds that week!!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing
and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most
rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'
.
.
.
He lost 63 pounds that week!!
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Steve19;1491211; said:Guys, a quick thank you. I send these to my son in Afghanistan daily and it really lifts the guys' spirits.
He might really enjoy this one:
The Army for Country Folks
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother
Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are
filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed
till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep
late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is
smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop,
feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm
water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice,
cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops,
potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular
food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two
city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours,
holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon
sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so,
it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route
march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then
the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I
keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The
bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't
move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all
comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own
cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat
training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to
be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't
like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over
in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the
same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130
pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Mrs. Shapiro, the matchmaker, went to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Mr. Cohen, don't wait too long. I know just the woman for you. Just say the word and you'll be married in no time," she told him.
"Don't bother," replied Cohen, "I've got two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Mrs. Shapiro, "but, Mr. Cohen, all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
Cohen replied, "I said I had 'two sisters' at home. I didn't say they were my sisters!"
"Mr. Cohen, don't wait too long. I know just the woman for you. Just say the word and you'll be married in no time," she told him.
"Don't bother," replied Cohen, "I've got two sisters at home who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Mrs. Shapiro, "but, Mr. Cohen, all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
Cohen replied, "I said I had 'two sisters' at home. I didn't say they were my sisters!"
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A woman and her blonde friend are walking down the street together. The woman stops walking and shields her eyes with her hand to get a better look at something.
She says to her friend, "I just saw my husband leave that florist with a big bouquet of roses. I know they're for me, because he does this every few months. Damn. Now I'll have to keep my legs in the air for a week."
Her blonde friend asks, "Why don't you just buy a vase?"
She says to her friend, "I just saw my husband leave that florist with a big bouquet of roses. I know they're for me, because he does this every few months. Damn. Now I'll have to keep my legs in the air for a week."
Her blonde friend asks, "Why don't you just buy a vase?"
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Classic Redd Foxx. He had a pretty cool lead in for this joke too.ScriptOhio said:
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Why Are We There?
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have no leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized, or at least don't speak English. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1,000 religious sects and almost as many languages and dialects, many of which we don't understand. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to bail them out, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
It is becoming clear ........we have only one option.
We must abandon California!!!
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have no leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized, or at least don't speak English. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1,000 religious sects and almost as many languages and dialects, many of which we don't understand. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to bail them out, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
It is becoming clear ........we have only one option.
We must abandon California!!!
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