MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Just from reading that sentence, I gave you a strange look. "...a pretty,..."NJ-Buckeye;1483803; said:
Luckily, most of us here can read typo like a primary language.
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- Thread starter NJ-Buckeye
- Start date
Luckily, most of us here can read typo like a primary language.
Hymn #365
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis, he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
With even greater emphasis, he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Little Johnny heard the word "whorehouse" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.
Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."
Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"
Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.
But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.
Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.
"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.
Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.
Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.
"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.
"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"
Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"
Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"
Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."
Johnny replied, "I wanna go there.! I wanna go there!"
Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.
But on Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.
Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see an eight-year-old standing there. "Yes?" she asked.
"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.
Since Mabel had a heart of gold (of course!), she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.
Johnny took his time going home and arrived home well after his dad.
"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.
"I went to Mabel's whorehouse, Daddy!"
Dad blanched. "You did? Umm, how was it?"
Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I just licked the third one!"
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WaitingforKickoff
Legend
not a joke, but just something funny that I ran across
37 Things You may not Know
1. CocaCola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!..
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History. "Spades" King David; "Clubs" Alexander the Great;" Hearts" Charlemagne; "Diamonds" Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. All invented by women.
18. Honey This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in firstclass.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
37 Things You may not Know
1. CocaCola was originally green.
2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!..
8. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
12. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language.
13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.
14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History. "Spades" King David; "Clubs" Alexander the Great;" Hearts" Charlemagne; "Diamonds" Julius Caesar.
15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. All invented by women.
18. Honey This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
20. A snail can sleep for three years.
21. All polar bears are left handed.
22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in firstclass.
23. Butterflies taste with their feet.
24. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
25. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.
33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
36. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different
37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
A Trip To The Racetrack
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack - Churchill Downs - to learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the boys up one by one so they could reach the urinals.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
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OHSportsFan
Fan of Ohio Sports in Indy
Just got a text from a friend asking how Michael Jackson died.
Thought it was going to be a joke, but they were seriously asking how.
:(
Thought it was going to be a joke, but they were seriously asking how.
:(
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Its even funnier because most of these 37 things are not true.Tresselbeliever;1487655; said:
X"1. CocaCola was originally green." It was never green - check with Snopes.
X"2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed." You probably mean Muhammad.
X"4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue." The muscle that can pull with the greatest force is the soleus (found below the calf muscle.) The strongest muscle based on its weight is the masseter (capable of closing the jaw with over 55 pounds of force.)
X"5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States." Its closer to four, because every adult carries an average of eleven.
X"6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard." As is proprietor, property, and repertoire.
X"10. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond." Pope Gregory VII suggested saying ?God bless you? during the bubonic plague in hopes that this prayer would protect people. Besides, well over 99% of the time, your heart does not stop.
X"11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky." Pigs can't look straight up, but can see over 70 degress into the sky.
X"13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to
Suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die." Both false, though anything could happen to somebody with poor enough health.
"14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History. "Spades" King David; "Clubs" Alexander the Great;" Hearts" Charlemagne; "Diamonds" Julius Caesar." Probably true, but your kings are too modern. Playing cards predated at least Charlemagne. The original kings were (supposedly) Augustus, Clovis, Constantine, and Solomon.
X"16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes." False, false, and false. There are hundreds of examples, with about a dozen in Washington D.C. alone.
X"17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Ans. All invented by women." Wrong. Something they do have in common: they were invented by Americans.
X"27. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'. Neither. He was born in 1564 and bump, which came from scandinavia, entered the English language in 1581, when Bill was only about 17. The word Assassin, literally meaning "hash eater" was used to describe fanatical Muslims who were sent to kill Christian leaders at the time of The Crusades - several hundred years before Shakespeare.
X"28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand." aftercataracts (secondary cataracts of the eye) and sweaterdresses are just two of some the the words that are longer than your example.
I'm bored now....
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DontHateOState
Hall of Fame
Bloodninja;80739; said:
BritneySpears14;80741; said:
I'm going through this thread again, and I have to give major rep to whoever did this. It is worth a bump.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
An attractive young blonde who always wanted to have her own boat finally saved up enough money to buy a brand new 22-foot Bayliner.
New to boating, she was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get the new Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina, where she hoped they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order - the engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking with water because he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the boat trailer.
New to boating, she was having a problem.
No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get the new Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina, where she hoped they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order - the engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.
So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking with water because he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the boat trailer.
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