MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
Script' after you use one of MY awesome jokes, you are supposed to greenie me. (or is it the other way around?)MightbeaBuck;1031639; said:
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- Start date
ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
MightbeaBuck;1532610; said:
I did several searches and never could find your original post of the joke. However, I sent you greenies anyway; even though my version is a lot funnier with the last line 'I don't remember much after that'. Your version didn't have it.
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
After much thought, you are right, of course. Your version is funnier! You should have received your well deserved greenies by now.ScriptOhio;1533190; said:I did several searches and never could find your original post of the joke. However, I sent you greenies anyway; even though my version is a lot funnier with the last line 'I don't remember much after that'. Your version didn't have it.
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Gatorubet
Loathing All Things Georgia
A guy from Ohio, a guy from Florida and a guy from Tennessee are drinking in a bar.
The guy from Ohio says, "There is a bar in Ohio that gives you a free beer for each beer that you buy.
The guy from Florida says, "That's nothing; in Florida, there is a bar that gives you 2 free beers for every one that you buy.
The guy from Tennessee says, :"That's nothing, in Tennessee, there is a bar that gives you 3 free beers for every one that you buy, and not only that; but when you finish your beers, they take you in the back and you get to have sex for 4 hours.
The Ohio and the Floridia look at each other and then at the Tennessee guy in amazement and ask...."Did that really happen to you????
The guy from Tennessee says......"no"..........but it happened to my sister.
The guy from Ohio says, "There is a bar in Ohio that gives you a free beer for each beer that you buy.
The guy from Florida says, "That's nothing; in Florida, there is a bar that gives you 2 free beers for every one that you buy.
The guy from Tennessee says, :"That's nothing, in Tennessee, there is a bar that gives you 3 free beers for every one that you buy, and not only that; but when you finish your beers, they take you in the back and you get to have sex for 4 hours.
The Ohio and the Floridia look at each other and then at the Tennessee guy in amazement and ask...."Did that really happen to you????
The guy from Tennessee says......"no"..........but it happened to my sister.
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[FONT="]His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.[FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?[/FONT][/FONT]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the Door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, `Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]
[/FONT][FONT="]The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . You're NOT my Flight Instructor?[/FONT][/FONT]
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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ?[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Do you think it's correct?
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There is a right way [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]and a wrong way to pronounce [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Oklahoma [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The proper way is: [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]OKLA...HOMA [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] (There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h') [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I can prove it................... [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
[/FONT]
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.
Yep, definitely a gap.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_o-t_k9MLoGo/ReRqYGDA0jI/AAAAAAAAAKU/mPFuAuuhaxI/s400/Okla_homa.bmp
Yep, definitely a gap.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_o-t_k9MLoGo/ReRqYGDA0jI/AAAAAAAAAKU/mPFuAuuhaxI/s400/Okla_homa.bmp
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MightbeaBuck
with hat in hand
The Job Interview
A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."
A guy goes to the local Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment," and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes 100% ... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 a.m."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., then why do you want me to come in at 10 a.m.?"
"This is a government job" the interviewer explains. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls ... no point in you coming in for that."
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SPENDING YOUR NEXT STIMULUS CHECK WISELY
Sometime this year, we American taxpayers will again receive an
Economic Stimulus payment. THIS IS A VERY EXCITING PROGRAM.
Below it is explained using a Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,
thus stimulating the economy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BELOW IS SOME HELPFUL ADVICE ON HOW TO BEST HELP THE U.S.
ECONOMY BY SPENDING YOUR STIMULUS CHECK WISELY:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and
they will hide it offshore.
INSTEAD, KEEP THE MONEY IN AMERICA BY:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are among the few American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
CONCLUSION:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed 'hooker' that you met at
a yard sale and drink beer all day . . . and be a patriot.
Sometime this year, we American taxpayers will again receive an
Economic Stimulus payment. THIS IS A VERY EXCITING PROGRAM.
Below it is explained using a Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,
thus stimulating the economy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
BELOW IS SOME HELPFUL ADVICE ON HOW TO BEST HELP THE U.S.
ECONOMY BY SPENDING YOUR STIMULUS CHECK WISELY:
If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .
If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and
they will hide it offshore.
INSTEAD, KEEP THE MONEY IN AMERICA BY:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos.
(These are among the few American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
CONCLUSION:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed 'hooker' that you met at
a yard sale and drink beer all day . . . and be a patriot.
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ScriptOhio
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Blonde Joke
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed
and her husband says "The dog is still barking,
what have you been doing?"
The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!
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Not a joke.. but pretty entertaining anyway
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the U.S.A. is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make HIM look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package that we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted torent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas has a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She neededto know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was anhour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of timezones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
[FONT="]
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked himwhat exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, LA. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' "Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''The reply.. ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal .''[/FONT]
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' the U.S.A. is in trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.'' Without trying to make HIM look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package that we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada?''I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted torent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas has a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She neededto know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was anhour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of timezones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?''
[FONT="]
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked himwhat exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, LA. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' "Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." ''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''The reply.. ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal .''[/FONT]
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5 Amazing Holes! Be sure to view all of them!!!!!
These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.
Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa
Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds
Before being closed
Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California
A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity
and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.
It is the largest spillway of this type in the world.
It consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
Great Blue Hole , Belize
This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a
blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world,
but none as stunning as this one.
Sinkhole in Guatemala
These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred early this year in Guatemala .
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.
RAT HOLE in Washington D.C.
It is capable of swallowing trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars-annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again!
It is reputed to be filled with at least 535 ass 'holes'.
These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are.
Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa
Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world,
this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds
Before being closed
Glory Hole - Monticello Dam, California
A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity
and water needs to be drained from the reservoir.
It is the largest spillway of this type in the world.
It consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
Great Blue Hole , Belize
This incredible geographical phenomenon known as a
blue hole is situated 60 miles off the mainland of Belize .
There are numerous blue holes around the world,
but none as stunning as this one.
Sinkhole in Guatemala
These photos are of a sinkhole that occurred early this year in Guatemala .
The hole swallowed 2 dozen homes and killed at least 3 people.
RAT HOLE in Washington D.C.
It is capable of swallowing trillions and trillions of U.S. Dollars-annually!
The money that falls into this hole is never heard from again!
It is reputed to be filled with at least 535 ass 'holes'.
Last edited:
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A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO Paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,attended diligently, and learned all he could when the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, Saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career
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How I learned to mind my own business
[FONT="] I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... [/FONT]
[FONT="] I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....
Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... [/FONT]
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Buckeyedynasty
I'd hit it!
Q: What is the best pick up line ever?
A: Does this smell like chloroform?
A: Does this smell like chloroform?
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