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Best Jokes

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Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to this beautiful (you guessed it) blonde..

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, 'It's golf balls!'

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked:

'Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow
 
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The Italian Virgin

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she
was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
'Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her
mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran
downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'
 
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Bumper Stickers

1. Heart attacks ... God's revenge for eating His little animal friends.
2. If you can read this .... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
3. Hang up and drive!
4. Some people just don't know how to drive .... I call these people "Everybody But Me".
5. Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're an ass!
 
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Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He stops by a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95."

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, and one of Ken's Friends!
 
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This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy

A six year old goes to the hospital with his
grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of
his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as
Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that
as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!!"
 
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Not fun being a burglar ..

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone
his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and
when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack,
a strange disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying, 'Jesus is watching YOU.'

Nearly jumping out of his skin, he clicked his
flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing
more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then
clicked the light back on and began searching for
more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out
so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell,
he heard, 'Jesus is watching YOU.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally in the
corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm
trying to warn you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who are you?'

'Moses, the parrot.' replied the parrot.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed, 'What kind of stupid
people would name a parrot Moses?'

'Probably the same kind of people that would name
a Rotweiller Jesus,'
 
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At The Sex Toy Shop

A little old lady, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering, she asks the sales clerk: "D-d-do you h-h-have d-d-d-dildos?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old lady then asks: "D-d-d-doooo ya-ya-you c-c-carrry a-a-a p-p-pink-k one, t-t-ten-n-n inch-ches l-l-long a-a-and-d a-a-about-t t-two i-inch-chess th-thick...a-a-and r-runs b-b-by b-b-batteries?'

The clerk responds: "Yes we do."

"D-d-d-do ya-ya-you know h-h-how t-t-to t-turn th-th-the s-s-sunoffabitch off-f-f?" she asks.
 
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Justice

The judge summoned the opposing lawyers to his chambers. Confronting the lawyers, the judge said: "Each of you has presented me with a bribe."

The lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"Mr. Hearnski, you gave me $15,000. Mr. Joy, you gave me $10,000."

The judge then handed a check to attorney Hearnski. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000 to Mr. Hearnski and we'll decide this case solely on its merits!"
 
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[FONT=&quot]A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone another half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the Horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once." "And from that moment.....we have lived happily ever after."[/FONT]
 
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A married couple was lying in bed one night.
The wife was curled up, ready to go to sleep; the husband reading a book.
Periodically, he would fondle her "special area" for a few seconds, wait a minute or so, and then fondle her again. She gradually got aroused and soon started rubbing him back.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
She replied, "You were rubbing me downtown. Don't you want to do it?"
"No, not tonight."
"Then what the hell were you doing?"
"Wetting my fingers so I could turn the page!"
 
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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'


The farmer said 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.

The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.

Chuck now works for AIG
 
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, to her husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
 
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A professor at West Virginia was lecturing about ghosts and always surveyed his students about their experiences.

"How many of you have believe in ghosts?" said the prof. A majority of the room raised their hands.

"Good. How many of you have ever seen a ghost?" he asked. About half the room raised their hands.

"Alright, how many of you have ever been visited by a ghost?" Only a few students raised their hands.

"How many of you have ever had sex with a ghost?" he asked. One student raised his hand, and the professor called him down to the front of the class.

"What's your name kid?" "Rich Rodriguez." answered the pupil.

"Well, Rich, in all my years teaching I have never had a student that has slept with a ghost. Why don't you tell us about your experience." said the prof.

"Oh you said ghosts? From back there it sounded like goats." responded Rich.
 
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