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Lawyers should never ask a southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards ask her if she knows me, I'll send your ass to the electric chair."
 
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is
click here
 
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Shoeless Joe;809816; said:
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She
replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is
click here
Click to expand...
Right. My car has one of those. So what's the punchline? :huh:
 
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Joke of the day

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues...Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
 
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A Mathematical Viewpoint

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
>
>What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
>
>Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
>questions:
>
>If:
>A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>is represented as:
>1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>Then:
>
>H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
>8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
>and
>
>
>K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
>But ,
>
>A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>And,
>
>B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
>AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
>A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
>So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work
>and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's
>the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
>
>
>
>"REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
>ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
>ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
 
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This is a joke for the women

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how they feel
about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...

10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him,
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
 
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Chelsea returned from a date, and Hillary asked her if she had a good
time, etc. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's
in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."
 
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Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I?m a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer with the game, and you?re even around in the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we?re stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I?ve been wondering
about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.
1) Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me
call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the
night?
2) Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie &
some stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquick & topped off
with a Kit-Kat all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I?m
an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3) Clumsiness: Unless you?re subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It?s completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the front door key into the lock.
4) Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often
clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are banned
from ever being placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon
animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is with you making me take
pictures with people I clearly don?t like when I?m sober? Yet suddenly
become my best friends when a flash is presented?
5) Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact,
I do actually know that person. Please stop me from talking to the
guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up face; bad breath, beer
belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I?m with you & why
are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn
off??
6) Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening?s
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no
way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You?ve been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don?t know what to do with the extra money in my
pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I
will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on
your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan.
 
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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Michigan ."


And they say blondes are dumb...
 
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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who' s on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm set ting up an office in my den and I'm thinking? about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I c an track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START
 
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The Hillbilly Vasectomy

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as
they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his
cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a
cherry
bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama ) light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in
the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He
held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"


"2"


"3"


"4"


"5"



(you'll love this......)











At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and
resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Texas , Oklahoma ,
Mississippi , Georgia , South Carolina , North Carolina , Virginia ,
parts
of Indiana and Louisiana, and MICHIGAN
 
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Three Contractors.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C., one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 
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