Best Jokes

[Buckeyedynasty]

The Beaver Hunt

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I
have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you
think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw
a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the
beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver.??

The doctor said, "My point exactly".

 

[LoKyBuckeye]

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop??"
He: "I found the remote."​

 

[Saw31]

Husband and wife in bed together.​

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."​

But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop??"

He: "I found the remote."​

 

[ScriptOhio]

Subject: Taking A Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

 

[zBuckeye10z]

Subject: Taking A Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

Ole & Sven

Ole & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from me Genie."

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

"Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box," says Ole.

"Could I see him?"

So Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your Master, vill you grant me vun vish?"

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic ?

 

[Best Buckeye]

A Blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back!"

 

[Best Buckeye]

The Pope & Bear Hunting in Alaska

Posted by flyawaymike at October 4th, 2005
On a tour of Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight-seeing.
He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a ?Save the Whales? / ?Bush Lied? T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear?s chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. ?I give you my blessing for your brave actions!? he told them. ?I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists, but now I?ve seen with my own eyes that is not true.?
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies ?Who was that guy?? ?It was the Pope,? another replied, ?he?s in direct contact with God and has access to all God?s wisdom.?
?Well,? the logger said, ?he may have access to all God?s wisdom, but he sure doesn?t know anything about bear hunting?..
By the way, is the bait holding up okay ?.or do we need to go back to town and grab another one??

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT MATES:

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train
follow these instructions: (and maybe say goodbye!).

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
6. Then hit this link
<http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf>

 

[OSU_Buckguy]

HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEAT MATES:

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

So a guy breaks into a house.....(joke)

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[ScriptOhio]

Wise Old Indian

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eying two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his material wealth. You've seen his progress.You've seen his wars."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

The chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

[ScriptOhio]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was hanging its head and sighing. The second dog turned to him and asked: "What are you in here for, buddy?"

The dog looked depressed, "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats. I just love to go for rides in it. Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so excited, I peed on the nice leather seat. Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental rug. The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself... I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it. They're having me put to sleep, too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you here for?" they asked.

"Well," said the third dog, "my owner likes to do her housework in the nude. The other day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep, too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

 

[ScriptOhio]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It?s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I?m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

[NJ-Buckeye]

Why sentence structure is so important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Jill or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Jill came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Jill, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill thinks for a second and replies "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit..."