Best Jokes

[Buckeye Buh Nim]

I didn't see this posted earlier.

A man walks into a pub in Ireland and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
The Barkeep looks puzzled but pours all three. The man takes a drink from each glass in turn until all three pints are empty.

The barkeep says to the man- "Sir you know if you order your Guinness one pint at a time, you will always have a fresh pint."

The man looks at the barkeep and tells him that with his brother in Australia and his best friend in the US they can no longer go out every month for thier pint. To honor their tradition on the last Friday of every month each heads to their respective pubs and orders 3 pints and drinks them in this fashion.

The barkeep is touched. And so, for every month the man walks in, orders his pints and quietly drinks them.

Then in February, the man walks in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar. The keep solemnly pours the pints and offers the man his condolence for his obvious loss.

The man looks and laughs and tells the barkeep-
"There is no loss my brother and my friend are all well. You see it is the Lenten season and this year I gave up drinking!"

 

[Best Buckeye]

. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS!

1. 8:45 a.m. is too early for us to be up.
2. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.
4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons
down.
7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before
doing it.
10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

ARE YOU A LATINO? HOW CAN YOU TELL FOR SURE?

1) If you have ever been hit by a "chancla."
2) If you grew up scared by something called "El Cucuyi" or "La
Llorona."
3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just
talking.
4) If you light a candle to the Virgin Mary on the night before your
big
test.
5) If you use your chin to point something out.
6) If you constantly refer to cereal as "con
fleys".
7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to
call you for dinner, even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia or salsa
without music.
9) If you use " manteca " instead of olive oil
and can't figure out why your nalgas are getting bigger.
10) If you are in a five passenger car with seven
people in it and a person is shouting "subanse, todavia caben mas!"
11) Your mom packs your "lonche" every day even
though you're thirty-two.
12) If you call the North Americans "gringos,"
including Canadians, and call all Asian people "chinos" or "chinitos"
and you call the corner store "the chinito's store."

 

[ScriptOhio]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, the computer advised him that he would now, need to enter a password. Something he will use to log in.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife, what he was entering by stating each letter out loud as he typed: P... E... N... I... S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.***

 

[Best Buckeye]

Rabbit

• Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven!
  Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven!
  Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
  Paddy: Six.
  Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
  Paddy: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
  Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

Words Women Use

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood b y men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous s statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F--U!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong g", for the woman's response refer to #3.

 

[MililaniBuckeye]

Joe recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doc said Joe was doing "fairly well" for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Joe couldn't resist asking, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

The doc asked Joe, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no", Joe replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either."

Then the doc asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

Joe said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

The doc then asked, "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't", Joe said.

Lastly, the doc asked him, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No", Joe said. "I don't do any of those things."

The doc then looked at Joe and said, "Then why do you even give a shit?"

 

[FCollinsBuckeye]

Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."​

 

[OCBucksFan]

Real newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE : FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything

 

[ScriptOhio]

Horny wife

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"

 

[Ttown]

WOMAN'S
POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

 

[BUCKYLE]

WOMAN'S
POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Fucking brilliant.

 

[SanAntonioBuck]

Blonde & The Easter Bunny

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy.

"Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that.

When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!"

"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"

 

[DGADBTWSOM]

Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.

He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy.

"Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.

A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that.

When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!"

"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"

I should ding you for that.... just bad.

 

[buckeyebilly]

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.​

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.​

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.​

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.​

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.​

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.​

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.​

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.​

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.​

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.​

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.​

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,​

"But we didn't use it!"​

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, this check is only made out for $50."​

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping​

with my wife."​

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.​

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."​