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Best Jokes

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Official! World's funniest joke

LONDON, England -- The world's funniest joke has been revealed after a year-long search by scientists.

In an experiment conducted in Britain, people around the world were invited to judge jokes on an Internet site as well as contribute their own.
The LaughLab research, carried out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman, from the University of Hertfordshire, attracted more than 40,000 jokes and almost two million ratings.
And here it is...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Entire article: http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/index.html
 
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These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
 
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A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local
Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next
collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results,
so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON
PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean
laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
 
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ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped,

Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."
 
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story) and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."
 
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A man walks into a drug store with his 13 year old son. They walk by the
condom display and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The father
matter of factly replies, "Those are called condoms , son. Men use
them to have safe sex." "Oh, I see", replied the boy pensively. "Yes,
I've heard of them in Health Class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,

"Dad, why are there only 3 in this packet?" The father replies,

"Those are for high school boys .... one for Friday, one for Saturday
and one for Sunday."

"Hey Dad, that's real cool!, says the boy.

He then notices a pack of 6 and asks, "Then, who are these for?"

"Those, son, are for college boys", replied the father. "Two for Friday,
two for Saturday and two for Sunday". "WOW", says the boy,

"then WHO uses THESE????", he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the father replies, "Those are for married men... One for
January, one for February, one for March.....
 
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A young couple wanted to join the church Near the flying field. The pastor
told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must
abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the
husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?", the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from
sex for the required month.", the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult...however, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower." "The second week was terrible, but with the use of
prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way
with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted
for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat."
admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means
you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know", said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at
Home Depot either."
 
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**"Hello?"**



**"Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?"*



**"No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."**



**After a brief pause,**



**Daddy says,**
**"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."**




**"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now."**




Brief Pause.



**"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."**




**"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."**




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**




**"I did it, Daddy."**




**"And what happened, honey?" He asked.**




"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.**




**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!"**





**"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"**




**"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**




**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**




**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."**





*****Long Pause*****





*****Longer Pause*****

! ;

*****Even Longer Pause*****




**Then Daddy says,**




**"Swimming pool? **



**Is this 486-5731?"*
 
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Business 101

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was married.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks, "What happened?!"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed
 
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2 men, John and Frank, are driving down a country road when their car breaks down. Its almost dark and they are out in the middle of nowhere so they start looking for somewhere for help. They start walking and eventually find a one room farmhouse. They knock on the door and a really old lady comes to the door. They ask her if they can use her phone to call for a towtruck but she tells them she has no phone but that since it is so dark outside they can stay at her house for the night. "But," she said "there is a catch, only one of you can sleep inside with me in the bed and the other one of you will have to sleep outside the window on the porch." Both men decide to take her offer to stay at the house for the night but neither of them want to sleep in the same bed with her. They decide who should have to sleep with the old lady by doing rock, paper scissors and John wins. John decides to sleep outside which left Frank with the old woman. Everyone goes to sleep but within a few hours Frank wakes up and the old lady is all over him saying fuck me fuck me. Frank doesn't want anything to do with her and sure as hell doesn't want to put his THANG inside her so he looks around the room and finds some corn on the cobbs laying next to the bed. He grabs the cobbs and starts using them to fuck the woman. After one cobb gets worn down he throws it out the window and places another cobb inside the woman. Eventually the woman gets off and Frank goes back to sleep. The next morning Frank wakes up and goes outside to find his friend John chuckling at him. Frank says " What the hell are you laughing at?" and John says " While you had to fuck that old woman all night I've been outside getting to eat buttered corn on the cobb!"
 
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