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Repeat but a good repeat - Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
 
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Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night
after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center
to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his
accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin
to chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After
a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks,

"Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mi ldred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would
sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was
holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does
Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".
 
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Tragedy

Mayor Nagin and Police Chief Riley visited a class in a local elementary school yesterday and the teacher suggested that they participate in the day's vocabulary lesson. "Today's word is tragedy," said the mayor.
"Can anyone give an example of a tragedy?" asked the police chief.
One child raised her hand, "If a drug dealer was trying to shoot another drug dealer and hit my sister instead," the child offered.
"No," said the police chief, "that would be an accident. Anyone else?"
"How about if everyone quit visiting the city, my daddy lost his job and couldn't provide for me?" another child ventured.
No," said the mayor, "although that would be a great loss. One more answer from Johnny in the back."
"Well," said Johnny, "if the mayor and police chief wer shoved off the viewing platform during a Mardi Gras parade and killed when a float ran them over, THAT would be a tragedy!"
"Now that's correct," agreed the mayor and police chief. "And can you tell me why?"
"Of course," confirmed Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and I doubt very seriously if it would be an accident."
 
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First Time Sex A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to knowAbout condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'mso excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, andstill no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minuteswith his head down, the girlfriend leans over andwhispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
 
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She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment"
His eyes light up and he thinks, this is my lucky day.
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says "thanks" and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?".
She explains, "The egg timer is broken."
 
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A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait.
And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you
please."

Intrigued, the man said, "OK."


The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your
IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar
space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc . .

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would
try a different tack.

The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered,
"Oh, about 100".

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball
Scores,and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,


"A-r-e?? y-o-u-r?? p-e-o-p-l-e?? g-o-i-n-g?? t-o

n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e???? H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"
 
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Wit and Wisdom from Military Manuals

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------------------------------------------

"Aim towards the Enemy"
- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
--------------------------------------------------------

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
- U.S. Marine Corps
--------------------------------------------------------

"Cluster booming from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop always
--------------------------------------------------------

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------

"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed"
- U.S. Air Force Manual
--------------------------------------------------------

"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
--------------------------------------------------------

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
--------------------------------------------------------

"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me."
- US. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)
---------------------------------------------------------

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------------------

"Five second fuses only last three seconds"
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------------------

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
---------------------------------------------------------

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
----------------------------------------------------------

"If your attack is going to well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
----------------------------------------------------------

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection"
- Joe Gay
----------------------------------------------------------

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
- unknown
----------------------------------------------------------

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do"
- Unknown Marine Recruit
----------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
----------------------------------------------------------

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
----------------------------------------------------------

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
----------------------------------------------------------

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
----------------------------------------------------------

"If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
----------------------------------------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
----------------------------------------------------------

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
----------------------------------------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The pilot dies."
----------------------------------------------------------

"Never trade luck for skill."
----------------------------------------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
----------------------------------------------------------

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
----------------------------------------------------------

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.-"
----------------------------------------------------------

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
----------------------------------------------------------

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries."
----------------------------------------------------------

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
----------------------------------------------------------

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum"
- Jon McBride, astronaut
----------------------------------------------------------

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )
----------------------------------------------------------

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
----------------------------------------------------------

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
----------------------------------------------------------

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
----------------------------------------------------------

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
----------------------------------------------------------

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
----------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?". The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
----------------------------------------------------------
"You are remembered for the rules that you break"
Douglas MacArthur
 
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Only from Texas

Subject: Only from Texas
>
>A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department
>store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales
>experience?"
>The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss
>liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down
>after we close and see how you did."
>
>His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store
>was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
>
>The kid says, "One."
>
>The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
>How
>much was the sale for?"
>
>The kid says, "$101,237.64."
>
>The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
>
>Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium
>fish
>hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing
>rod.
>Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
>coast,
>so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat
>department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he
>didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the
>automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."
>
>The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
>boat and truck?"
>
>Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I
>said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
>
 
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A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small
sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked
in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."Well, the wife was really
interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, Just try dem on, Mon." So the husband, after some
badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he
slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his
wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed
the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,yanked dow his pants, ripped
down his own pants, and grabbed a firmhold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet!
You got dem on the wrong feet!"
 
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Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for
Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."
 
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Men Do Remember Anniversaries!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused.. The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ..

"I would have gotten out today."
 
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Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey.

His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, "Lou, what's going on? Are you okay? I've known you for fifteen years and I've never seen you drink like this before."

Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then tossed that drink down, too.

"But, I thought that I was your best friend?" said Jim.

Lou looked at Jim through bloodshot eyes, smiled, and slurred, "Not anymore. He is!"
 
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A quick thank you to everyone who has posted in the Best Jokes thread. I cut and paste these into emails and send to my son, who is serving with the US Army 101st Airborne at Baghdad Airport as a helicopter repairman. He says the jokes really help the guys get through their 12-16 hour days. Thanks again to everyone.
 
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Subject: FW: Mouse Balls &Mouse Ball inspector





I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
 
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