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Best Jokes

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Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced:"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three peopleup here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every Member of the Audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch The watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.
 
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American Management

A Japanese automobile company and an American automobile company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and one person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. After six months of hard work, they advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

So the American Team acted: To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the one person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.
 
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A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk." "So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, angry lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah, well so does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us!"
 
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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of prying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing, and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... Our son in-law!"
 
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Life In Nut House

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.

He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing, Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."
 
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Words Women Use

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood b y men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous s statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F--U!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's
wrong g", for the woman's response refer to #3.
 
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Armageddon!! (if this is up already I havn't found it.)

'Actual article from the L.A. Times':

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski,and his homosexual partner Andrew 'Kiki' Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up into his rectum and slipped 'raggot', our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted 'ARMAGEDDON!,' my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out of the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the tubing like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Top Ten Scariest Things About This Story:

10.) "I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum..." Ouch!!!

9.) "So I peered into the tube..."Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

8.) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of that guy's anus like 'Rocky the Flying Squirrel' on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

7.) Suffering a broken nose from a grebil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was spring-time fresh after his little journey into Kiki's tunnel of love.

6.) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.

5.) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex-feinds breakind into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old-fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at the doctor and saying, "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4.) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

3.) People named 'Kiki', which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2.) What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1.) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.



The Audio Version is CLASSIC!!!!!
http://www.fugly.com/audio/585/armageddon_letter.html
 
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I was in Pet Smart buying a large bag of Science Diet for my dog Sam and was
in line to checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Science Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I had awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Science Diet nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no........



Wait for it??..




I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
 
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VASECTOMY ALABAMA STYLE


After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.



So the husband went to their veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.


The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) 'light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."



The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."



"Trust me," said the doctor.



So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear, and began counting........

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

.....at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.


This procedure also works in Tennessee, Texas, Kentucky, Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia
 
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9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? ​

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.​

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? ​

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! ​

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.​

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. ​

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?​

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? ​
 
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