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Best Jokes

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At dawn the telephone rings



"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."



"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."



"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"



"Si, Senor, that's the one."



"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"



"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."



"Dead horse? What dead horse?"



"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."



"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"



"Si, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."



"Are you insane? What water cart?"



"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"



"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"



"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."



"What the hell??... Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!"



"Si Senor Rod."



"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"



"For the funeral, Senor Rod."



"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL"?



"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."



SILENCE.................. LONG SILENCE.............



"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

​
 
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Don't mess with old farts

An adventurous old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
 
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A little old Jewish lady in LA boards an aircraft en route to Israel. Handing her pet carrier over to the flight attendant, she says, "Make sure you take good care of my Fifi."

'Yes, ma'am," the attendant assured her.

Upon arrival in Tel Aviv, the flight attendant retrieves the lady's pet carrier, and opens it up to make sure Fifi is ok. But to her horror, she discovers that Fifi, a medium size collie, is dead. She immediately informs the captain, who says, "Look, there's no need to worry...collies all look the same. I will make up some delay in the deplaning process while you run to a pet store, buy a new collie the same size as Fifi, and get back here with it as fast as you can."

So the captain makes up some story and keeps the passengers on board while the flight attendant rushes out to a pet store, and luckily finds a dog that is practically a twin to Fifi, buys the dog, runs back to the airport, and switches it for Fifi.

Handing the pet carrier to the woman, the flight attendant says, "Here's your dog, Ma'am...looks like she enjoyed the flight."

Puzzled by this statement, the woman opens the pet carrier and shrieks, "This is not my Fifi!"

"Of course it is," the attendant responded. "That's your pet carrier, is it not?"

"Yes," said the woman, "but Fifi was dead...I was bringing her here to bury her."
 
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Joke FOR the Blondes

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
You know," he says," I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow Passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff,
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
 
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A hillbilly couple from West Virginia decide to get married. Afterwards, they ask the preacher, "Now what?"

"You go on your honeymoon."

"Honeymoon? Wha'ts that?" they asked.

"Well, a honeymoon is like a vacation where you go some place special after you get married. Weren't you two going to take some time off and go some place special?"

"Well shor thing, preacher," the groom replied. "We was gonna spin the weekin up in Hickory Holler in daddy's old U-Haul van."

"There you go," encouraged the preacher. "You'll have fun."

"Yassir," said the bride. "But we got nuttin to do up thar but sit and talk."

"No, no, no," said the preacher. "You're supposed to...well, it's a time to...oh how can I put this? You rub your tummies together."

"Hey...that sounds real fun," said the groom. And off they went to Hickory Holler.

Next morning they wake up. "Honeysuckle," she said, "that rubbin tummies is real fun. Let's do it again."

"I don't know," said the groom. "I don't think it's a real good idea. I mean, it feels good and all, but last night ever time we did it, it made my pee curdle.
 
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A man walk into a bar and, seeing his friend, takes a seat next to him. "Hey," he said, "what's up with that little red dot on your arm?"

His friend replies, "Well, I use that to pick up girls."

"Don't be stupid...how could a little red dot on your arm possibly enable you to pick up girls?"

"It's simple. I just sit or stand near an attractive girl and make sure the dot on my arm is in full view. When she asks about it, and they always do, I launch into this long story about how this dot always reminds me of my mother, who died a painful death just before my first prom date, and how things can go tragically wrong in life, and how in the midst of tragedy, life can still go on and be beautiful, and the next thing you know, we are deep in discussion about the meaning of life on the way back to her place for an intense fuck."

"Darn...I gotta try that."

And sure enough, the first guy had a tattoo artist place a similar red dot on about the same place on his arm. Eager to try his luck, he walked into a bar and positioned himself near an attractive young girl.

"Excuse me," she said, "but I could not help noticing that little red dot on your arm. What does it mean?"

"It's about the meaning of life," he replied. "Wanna fuck?"
 
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A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
 
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Man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opens the door, the man asks if she knows how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not amused, she screamed at him to get the hell away. Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, "Great, give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife."
 
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