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Best Jokes

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Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"
 
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There was this farmer that was really protective of his three daughters. In fact , he always met their boyfriends at the door with a shotgun.

At 5:30 Friday night , there was a knock at the door. The farmer answered it with his gun. The guy at the door said, "Hello, my name is Eddie, I'm here for Bettie, we're going for spaghetti. Is she ready?".

The farmer paused, then said "Ok, she's ready" .

Another half hour passed and there was another knock. The farmer answered it with his gun again. The guy at the door said" Hello, my name is Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show. She ready to go?".

The farmer paused again and said "yeah, she's ready".

A half hour later, there was another knock. The farmer went to the door with his shotgun. The guy at the door said "Hello, my name is Chuck....." and the farmer shot him.....
 
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There where three men driving down a road, all of them were tired and each of their destinations were still miles away. So all of them stop at a farmer's house and ask if they could spend the night. The farmer had a very beautfiul daughter who was still a virgin, and the farmer wanted to keep it that way. Because he was afraid that the three men would pop his daughter, he stuck razor blades up her ...

So the next morning , he would find out who tried to screw his virgin daughter. So at breakfast the next morning, he asked all the guys to drop their pants. The first man drops his pants and his penis falls off. The second man does the same and his penis falls off.

The third man drops his pants and his penis doesn't fall off. The farmer asks why? He replies " eye hun how"...
 
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A young salesman was out on business when one night he had to stop at a farm. The only room available was with the farmers pretty daughter . The farmer having heard this kind of joke before asked his faithful farm hand Hans to wait outside the door with a shotgun and if he heard any hanky panky shoot the stranger.

The next morning the sales man lift a bit quickly and the farmer proud of his quick thinking said to his daughter ' So, that city fella didn't try any thing with you? '

'Oh no' said the girl 'Hans just gave me his shotgun, put on my nightie and told me to wait in the corridor and make sure the guy couldn't escape 'ti morning!'
 
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An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the East coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want,"
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified, the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.
He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
 
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It's the day of THE GAME at the horseshoe, and as Lloyd is getting up there in age, JT decides to show the Michigan team's head coach a gesture of respect. At a strategic location on Rt 23 coming into Columbus, he lines up the team and instructs them to salute the Michigan entourage as it passes.

"Jim," Lloyd began, calling his arch rival by cell phone, "I cannot tell you how much that meant to me. It's nice to know that amid all the hoopla, there's a bedrock of respect among Big 10 coaches."

"Well, Lloyd," JT responded, "you've certainly demonstrated to the Ohio State community that you are an honorable and worthy opponent. However, I do have one question about your entourage."

"Shoot."

"I counted 3 large buses and a semi. But that last bus was festooned with "Caution: Wide Load" flags and strobe lights in front and back. What's that all about?"

"Cheerleader squad."
 
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Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I
said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
.
.
.
.
.
.
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
 
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"


"Only when he's been drinking."
 
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> A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father,
**** it has been one month since my last confession. I have had
**** sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".
**** The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and
**** say three Hail Mary's."
****
**** Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father,
**** it had been two months since my last confession. I have had
**** sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
**** This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
**** "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
**** "Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
****
**** At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his
**** sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman enters
**** the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her
**** as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of
**** the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
**** emerald green shoes.
****
**** The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
**** green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
**** The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie
**** Green? The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies,
**** "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
 
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The Elephant

> In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
> Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
> young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
> seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down
> on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of
> wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
> Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
> elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man,
> and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several
> tense moments.
>
> Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
> Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
> Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
>
> Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
> teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
> creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu
> were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its
> front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
> several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
>
> Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if
> this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over
> the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to
> the elephant and stared back in wonder.
>
> The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's
> legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
>
> Probably wasn't the same elephant.
 
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Subject: Just Like a Man

A man had 50 yard line tickets in C - Deck for the Ohio State - Michigan game. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?"

The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Michigan game we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."



____________________________________________________________________________________
Get your own web address.
Have a HUGE year through Yahoo! Small Business. http://smallbusiness.yahoo.com/domains/?p=BESTDEAL
 
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A man was watching his wife cook Sunday dinner. He watched as she prepared a ham and was puzzled as to why she cut off both ends before she put it in the baking pan. Upon being asked she replied "because mom always did'.
His curiousity unsatisfied he called his mother in law and asked "Mom why do you always cut off both ends af a ham before you bake it", she replied "because mom always did'. Undeterred the man then proceeded to call grandma.
"granny, I'm curious, why did you always cut off both ends of the ham before you put it in the pan"
"silly man, so it would fit" :biggrin:
 
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