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Best Jokes

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A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns. It is not polite."
"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "Those are enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now.
"How in heavens name did you find that out?"
And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
 
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The Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered? But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him to No end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her Best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.


"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"


His funeral will be held Thursday
 
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Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says: "Who the heck is Rosie O'Donnell ?
 
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Subject: The Reverends
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a
primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion
related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the
discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the
class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes
along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what
we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children
volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can
give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand.
In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and
Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right And
can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be
a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident.
 
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Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
 
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Unusual Funeral

Subject: FW: Unusual Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?
"My wife's."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
 
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My kind of Wal-Mart Greeter


A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ....Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins?........ Are you blind or just stupid? Do you really
think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter . "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice
 
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Football-Texas Style
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif][FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]

[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]Two boys are playing football in the park of a small town in Texas ..
Suddenly, one of the boys is attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the
dog's collar and twists it. Breaking the dog's neck saves his friend.

A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes
over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the
story. I'll Title it 'Young Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious
Animal'...

"But I'm not a Longhorn fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we're in Texas , I just assumed you were," says the
reporter and he starts writing again.

He asks,"How does 'Aggie Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific
Attack'...sound?"

"I 'm not an Aggie fan either," the boy says.

"Oh, I thought everyone in Texas was either for the Aggies or the
Longhorns. What team do you root for?", The reporter asks.

"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm an OU fan," the boy
replies...."They're just the best!"

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:
"Little Red-necked Bastard From Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet."





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Steve19;832990; said:
Another quick thank you to all of you who post jokes here. The soldiers in my son's unit in Iraq really enjoy these.
Click to expand...

Army jokes:

General: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonal: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lt. Colonel: Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding B-B, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major: Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occaisionally addressed by God.

Captain: Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggy paddle, and talks to animals.

1st Lieutenant: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.

2nd Lieutenant: Trips over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol and mumbles to himself.

Sergeant (all grades): Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them, and freezes water at a glance. He is God.

Hooah.

--------------------------------------

There is an Army private and an airforce lieutenant taking a piss in the head. When they had both finished the Army private begins to walk toward the door while the lieutenant heads for the sink. The lieutenant cheekily remarks, "Don?t they teach you to wash your hands after taking a piss?"

The Army private simply replies, "Nope, they teach us not to get piss on our hands."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

An Lt was transferred to a new unit. After getting settled into his new office, the Lt was sitting at his desk, arranging things, when a private knocked on his door. Not wanting to look useless, he picked up the phone, and said "Enter" He motioned for the private to wait, and said into the phone "Yes Colonel, yes sir, yes sir, I?ll get those documents to you as soon as possible. Yes Sir, have a good day, sir."

After hanging up, he looked impatiently at the private, "yes, what do you want?"

The private sheepishly answered: "Well sir, I?m here to install the phone line for you, sir!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o?clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it?s Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."

------------------------------------------------------------

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn?t it?"
Well it wasn?t a nice night, but the Private wasn?t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there?s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it?s really relaxing. Don?t you agree?"
The Private didn?t agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
 
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The Bear

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods one day and thought "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!".

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster.

Alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up only to see the bear raising it's paw to strike him dead. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest fell silent.

It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others that I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer? The atheist looked directly into the light and spoke "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

And the sounds of the forest resumed.

Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
 
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"

"OK". She said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all
eat grass, the same stuff.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have
no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know
shit?"
 
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed -- "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Foy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
 
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