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Best Jokes

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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT


NAME: BLANE CAULDER

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
 
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Jesse took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Amber?" asked Jesse.
"I want to get weighed," replied Amber.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Jesse again asked Amber what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Jesse lost his dollar.
By this time, Jesse figured that she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Amber responded, "Oh, Waura. It was wousy."
 
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President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.
He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."
Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"
 
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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine, asked, Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married"
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."
She giggled and said; "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"
He looked her up and down and said; "Mission Accomplished"
 
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During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to
teach good manners,asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date Having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said,"Just a minute I have to
go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be
rude and impolite. What about you Peter? How would you say it?" Peter
said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right
back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table."
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny answered by saying, "I would say: Darling,
may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a
very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
 
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy


< BR>
 
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SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
 
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OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
 
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Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
 
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Child Support Check

Today my baby girl's 18th birthday.
I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be getting from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ..... And watch the 'spression on yo face.

 
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A Horse, a Chicken & a HarleyOn the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom were best friends and loved to play together.One day as the two were playing the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail. The farmer had gone to town with the only tractor.Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's Harley, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and when the farmer returned he was none the wiser.The friendship between the two animals was cemented forever: Best Buddies, Best Pals.A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment - then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there's a moral!)When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
 
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Interesting!

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Can you cry under water?​
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? ​

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? ​
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? ​

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box? ​
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What disease did cured ham actually have? ​

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? ​

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? ​

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? ​

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?​

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? ​

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. ​

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? ​

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? ​

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? ​

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ? ​

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? ​

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! ​

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? ​

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? ​

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? ​

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? ​

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above? ​

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?​

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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ​

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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?​
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A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." "And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot.
 
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SAN FRANCISCO, CA -

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this
he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
th e tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he
Finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked
Around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just
ain't gonna be your day, cupcake..."
 
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