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Best Jokes

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Work vs. Prison​

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up,
This should make things a little bit clearer.​
@ PRISON



@ WORK



You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell



you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle



You get three meals a day fully paid for



you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it



You get time off for good behavior



you get more work for good behavior



The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you



you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself



You can watch TV and play games



you could get fired for watching TV and playing games



You get your own toilet



you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat



They allow your family and friends to visit



you aren't even supposed to speak to your family



All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required



you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners



You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out



you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars



You must deal with sadistic wardens



they are called managers



You can talk about Jesus, and even participate in Bible Studies



you'd better not talk about Jesus or bring a Bible if you want to keep your job!



THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!​

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.​
















 
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one
day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a
vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take
a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any
money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces
of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope
you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
 
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World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END
 
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A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee..
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
 
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hon,"he says "how do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
 
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The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions
at the entrance:- "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend
the flights.You may choose any Item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up
to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the
building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and
are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have
Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and
Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign
reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd to 6th floors have never been visited
 
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely
stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. -- PRICELESS
 
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I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
 
Upvote 0
OCBucksFan;854426; said:
I spotted an older woman at a bar last night. She was not too bad for 57. We drank a bit, got a little frisky & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. We went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"
Click to expand...


:slappy: but :sick1:
 
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Sinner: Lord, is it true that a million years is but a second to you?

Lord: Yes, son, it's true.

Sinner: Lord, would it also be true that a million dollars is but a penny to you?

Lord: Yes, son, that's also true.

Sinner: Well, Lord, can you spare a penny?

Lord: Sure, son, just a second.
 
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