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Best Jokes

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Four married guys go fishing...



After an hour, the following Conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be
able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife
that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."


Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife
that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven ' t said any thing about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.


What ' s the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm. When it
went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ass and said:


"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block!"




​
 
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Subject: Be careful of what you buy



MY NEW LEXUS
I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio. The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, if I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Assholes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and
Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.


Damn, I LOVE this car!

 
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Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!!!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard .

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5 . CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.


14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.


1 5 . OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)



16. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.


1 7 . CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
 
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1. A Voice in the Darkness

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest one day they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the depths of the dark hole a voice returned, "The wolverines are contenders for the national championship." Snow White thought to herself, "Thank God... at least Dopey's survived!"

:biggrin:
 
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Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's
suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?" "Yes
Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin them
fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all
them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee
that she ordered?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university
when he gradiated and still couldn't read?" "That's right," said the
lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin . ...What I want to
know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?"
 
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He/She Comments

HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE :Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 
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Hog update:

Last month, an eleven-year-old boy in Alabama, on a hunting trip with his father, killed a wild boar hog weighing 1151 pounds. The pig is reportedly larger than the famous Hogzilla and is the largest reported boar kill ever. The family announced that they plan to mount the head and make sausage from the meat.

In a possibly unrelated story, Rosie O'Donnell has been reported missing in the state of Alabama one day after resigning from The View. The activist, comedian, lesbian, and talk show hostess quit because of conflicts with just about every member of the cast and crew on the show.

At last report, she was going to an Alabama lesbian nudist colony to enjoy "communing with nature."

Theories that the two stories could be related could not be confirmed because it is believed that Rosie weighed more than the pig and was not as attractive.
 
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Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents
in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of
our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got
drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it
happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he
is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the
search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in
the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a
hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it
was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if
you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents
did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his
hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith
gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes
worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old
you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he
can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we
get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It
gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns
riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked
to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the
flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to
get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything.
We are fine and tonight
it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Love, Jimmie
 
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A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films.

I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky SOB. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno... never found the head!"
 
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During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcined. A month later the man offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!
 
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