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Best Jokes

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THE OSTRICH

​

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says , "A hamburger , fries and a coke , " and turns to
the ostrich , "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same , " says the ostrich.


A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day , the man and the ostrich come again and the man
says , "A hamburger , fries and a coke."


The ostrich says , "I'll have the same."


Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No , this is Friday night , so I will have a steak , baked potato and
a salad , " says the man.


"Same , " says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says , "That will be $32.62."


Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.


The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me ,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"


"Well , " says the man , "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it , a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything ,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."


"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something , but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"


"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce , the exact
money is always there , " says the man.


The waitress asks , "What's with the ostrich?"


The man sighs , pauses and answers , "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
 
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Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few bucks. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.
Edna
 
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Lawyer Joke

A rich old man gave his lawyer, his priest, and his doctor each a million dollars on the condition that they put it in the coffin with him when he died so he could prove "you can take it with you".

At the funeral, they all put in their envelopes, then the priest said, " I have to be honest, "part of the job you know", I only put 25% in. The rest went to the needy in my parish".

The doc said, "I better be honest too, I only put in half the money, the rest went to operations to save needy patients lives".

The lawyer said, disdainfully, "How dare you not honor the last wishes of a dear old friend! I gave him a check for the whole amount!"

:biggrin:
 
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES:

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
 
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SPAGHETTI !!!!!

For several years, a man in New York City had been having an affair with
an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large
sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child
support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later.' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,
and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Two with meatballs, one without.

Send extra sauce....
 
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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone... 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible.. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
 
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Having already downed a few power drinks, a woman turns to the guy on the stool next to her, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on. It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."


His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
 
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KNOW THE SYMPTOMS

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -[FONT=&quot]Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

 the car isn't washed

 the bills aren't paid

 there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

 the flowers don't have enough water,

 there is still only 1 check in my check book,

 I can't find the remote,

 I can't find my glasses,

 and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet,your day is coming!! and you've probably had some of the symptoms just being male
[/FONT]
 
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Multiple puns. Some old. Some new.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone. It is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a rotten apple.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road ? poultry in motion.

6. If a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The story of the short fortuneteller who escaped from prison ? a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a bridge in Paris, you are in Seine.

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate Clauses.

19. Acupuncture ? a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
23. She was only a whiskey makers daughter, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies in a public place, and was cited for littering.

27. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn outside the drug rehab center ? 'Keep off the Grass'

32. A boy swallowed some coins, and was taken to a hospital. His mother telephoned to ask how he was. The nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
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[FONT=&quot]An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet young thing over there?"[/FONT]

 [FONT=&quot]The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby"[/FONT]
 
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THIS IS VERY VERY WORTHWHILE SO READ TO THE END PLEASE

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a
lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician,
say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were extenuating
circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to
hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the
lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually
kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from
ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm
Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip
to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to
the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean
in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the
remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body
was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast
wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard
and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a
snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I
shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right
back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly
how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found
me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the
other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as
though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.
Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo
sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly
me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case
Dismissed!
 
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Here's a joke I heard from a Mexican friend

Hija-Mama, se come la madera? (mama, you eat wood?)

Mama-Ay no mi hija por que? (no dear, why do you ask)

Hija- Porque anoche estabas diciendo a papa "Mmmmm, que palo tan rico!" (Because last night you were saying to daddy, "Mmmm, what tasty wood!".)
 
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