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Best Jokes

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Traffic Warning

An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.

"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."
 
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A blonde motorist was about an hour from San Diego one Saturday morning when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to her car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"I sure am!" Answered the blonde. "Do you need a lift?"

"Not for me, thanks. I'll be spending the next couple of hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $150 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to!" Said the blonde. So, the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car, carefully strapped into the seat belts, and off they went.

Four hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly, he was shocked to see the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of the brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" He curiously inquired. "I gave you $150 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did." Said the blonde. "But we had money left over, so now we're going to Sea World!"
 
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A Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe,
this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'

​
 
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As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our
ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:



content

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into
urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."
 
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The year is 2016 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Ohio. A few days after the election the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, 'So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's an 10 hour drive."

'Don't worry about it Dad, I'll send Air Force One. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

Oh Dad," replies Susan, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'you know I can't eat those rich foods you eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I’ll ensure your meals are salt free. You and mom just have to be there.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2017, Susan is being sworn in as President of the United States . In the front row sits the new president's Dad and Mom. Dad noticing the senator sitting next to him leans over and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .’

The Senator whispers back, 'You bet I do.'

Dad says proudly, 'Her brother played football at Ohio State".
 
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A white comedian dresses as a black man and tries to get minibus taxies to take his deceased former employer to his funeral...funniest from the 3 minute mark as people jump out the windows of the taxi

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jvb9wnwFmqw&NR=1"]YouTube - casket in a taxi! shuks gets shukd.. tshabalala[/ame]
 
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Last night, the kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegatative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
 
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I went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.
 
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A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

They were all complaining about them and how they had to wait 15 minutes in between shots.

The Catholic priest looked over and said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!'

The Italian guy from New York said: "Why the Hell can't they play at night?"
 
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USMC Sensitivity Training . . .
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the
heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was
the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained
in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career
he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a
Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked
him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief
answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your
starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of
his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same
question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The
Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was
articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master
Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same
question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the
Gunnery Sergeant said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly
tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with
only one ear.
 
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What Confucius Didn't Say

What Confucius Didn't Say

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.





[But the original is missing: ?Many man smoke but Fu Man Chu.?]


Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ..

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 
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A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and
asks the owner, "Excuthe me
mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms and leans
forward to say, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 
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